Monday, March 8, 2010

Shades of Gray: Results are in

6am-Alarm goes off. I, of course completely ignore it and let Brad get up and turn it off.
6:30am-2nd Alarm goes off. I ignore this one too because it turns off on it's own. My children are a little harder to ignore as one turns on the shower to wake up and the other jumps to the floor from his top bunk. Normal morning routine has begun.
7am- Kids grumble as they are forced to spend five minutes picking up the living room. As we live in a 900sq ft apartment it takes less than five minutes for the entire room to be done.
7:15am- Kids are out the door to head to school for breakfast and I start to get ready for my day. Today is not a normal day. Today I find out the results of the first MRI I have had in a year. It's now been almost a year and a half since the surgery...ages ago and yet just yesterday. I didn't spend a whole lot of time this weekend considering what the results might be. We had family day Saturday and 3D Alice is definitely a distraction. Sunday was filled with church and choir and other weekend busyness that happens to get ready for the next school week.
8am-The apartment is now empty and I have an hour until my appointment. I hate to be late. Too many years of choir have instilled the "if you're on time you're late" philosophy, but 45 minutes early seems a little ridiculous. So I put away dishes and check facebook and piddle around.
8:20am-Possibly too early to leave but it's rainy and foggy and Austinites do not drive well with these conditions so I go.
8:45am-It took 25 minutes to go 4 exits! That is slightly ridiculous. I'm glad I left early.
8:47am-All checked in. There is an older man with me in the waiting room all hooked up to IVs. He's about to undergo a directed radiation treatment. They bring a wheelchair to take him away. The nurse also has his radiation mask and I think of Matt Chandler and his recent treatments and say a quick prayer--both for him and his battle and thanks that I didn't have to go through it (can we say claustrophobia? I'll take an MRI any day.)
8:55am-I'm finally in an exam room. It's extremely quiet and this is when the butterflies start. What will the results be? What did the MRI look like? What if they aren't good? I remind myself that God is sovereign, but what if... I remind myself that Gods got this; this is not a surprise to Him, but what if...what if...
9:15am-Dr. Wilson comes in and we go over the is not possible to discern whether the gray areas are tumor tissue or areas still healing from the surgery. What does that mean? Because of the kind of tumor I had when they grow back it's in the same location as the previous tumor, usually around the edges of what has already been removed or killed by other means. So we wait. We wait to see if these gray areas begin to grow or to shrink. We wait to see if I begin to have other symptoms that would indicate growth in those shades of gray. In the meantime, I'll serve. sing. laugh. love. live. and deal with whatever comes as it comes.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

"yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14

1 comment:

Jen said...

i love your heart. and i love you. and i'm praying for you, that no matter what, you would respond from His grace.