On Doubt...

Written for a writing ecourse taught by Elora Ramirez (you should take it) ;)

Doubt /daʊt/  

v. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe. to distrust.

n. a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.  distrust.

You can’t do it. What are you thinking? No one is going to read that. A writer? Really? It’s not good. It’s dumb. What you write isn't important enough. Hers is SO much better than yours. You know you’re not going to finish so why even bother starting? Just stop now before you embarrass yourself.

Did you think I was talking to you? Funny how the things we wouldn't dream of telling a friend, much less a stranger, are words we don’t even think twice about telling ourselves. On a daily basis. Constantly.

This is the third fourth attempt I've made at writing this. I still have no idea exactly what it is I'll say to you. What could I possibly have to say that would encourage? That would help you push through whatever doubts you're feeling about this process of writing. This process of leaving pieces of yourself on a page, and hoping like hell that you don't sound like a complete ass when you finally muster up the courage to finally do it. But when you finally do, you will be your own worst critic and the doubting voice inside my head will be the doubting voice inside your head. You will compare yourself to others who are writing similar things and doubt that what you have to say is as valuable, as worthy, as intelligent.

The sucky thing about doubt is even when not actively berating ourselves, the doubt is still there. A constant pulling at the back of your mind waiting to grab hold of the first positive thought, or idea, and yank it back into the mire of distrust and disbelief. It’s a living, breathing, writhing tangle of distraction and discouragement keeping you from doing, from being, from creating.

But, y'all, here's the thing. We all have doubts. Whether you've written 1000 words or 500,000 words you will continue to have doubts. Let me say that again. It doesn't matter how long you've been writing. It doesn't matter how many words you've written. It doesn't matter if you're writing fiction, non-fiction, poetry, or a play. Every single writer doubts their story. And if they say they don't, then they're flat-out lying.

So what do you do? How do you push through to do the work?

Surround yourself with like-minded people. I don't mean people who agree with everything you say, or people who even necessarily have the same beliefs as you, but people who are walking the path you are. People who will encourage, empathize, and even tell you you're crazypants. I have a tight-knit group of indie author pals whom I dearly love that I'm in daily contact with in one form or another, and it is essential to my creative soul. You guys have that now with this class. Hang on to that, because no one will understand that side of you as well as another writer.

Go to a conference. Seriously. Here you will once again be surrounded by like-minded people, and be energized, and filled to over-flowing. This happened to me last year at the UtopYA conference in Nashville where author Myra McEntire shared her story and this...

You are uniquely you, and no one else can tell your story the way you can, so keep writing. You can do it!


What doubts are keeping you from telling the story you should tell? Write them down and share them with your group.

Of Fishes and Loaves...

35 When it was already quite late, His disciples came to Him and said, “This place is desolate and it is already quite late; 36 send them away so that they may go into the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat.” 37 But He answered them, “You give them something to eat!” And they said to Him, “Shall we go and spend two hundred denarii on bread and give them something to eat?” 38 And He said to them, “How many loaves do you have? Go look!” And when they found out, they said, “Five, and two fish.” 39 And He commanded them all to sit down by groups on the green grass. 40 They sat down in groups of hundreds and of fifties.41 And He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up toward heaven, He blessed the food and broke the loaves and He kept giving them to the disciples to set before them; and He divided up the two fish among them all. 42 They all ate and were satisfied, 43 and they picked up twelve full baskets of the broken pieces, and also of the fish. 44 There were five thousand men who ate the loaves. 

- Mark 6:35-44 

The past year I have held on to hope that God will bring this dream to realization. I have prayed, fasted, and pleaded for Him to show me how all of the puzzle pieces will come together when I only see a blurry shadow of the bigger picture. I am not savvy enough or wealthy enough to make a way to France, buy a multi-room house, turn it into a bed & breakfast, and make it a sustainable business.

What’s more is, I struggle with issues of approval. I tend to think rather lowly of myself. Whether it is from mommy/daddy issues, bullying in grade school, or being a college dropout, the root of it is sin. I struggle with sin, and I doubt that God can use me to lead well and impact others for the Kingdom.

Many times, I feel as though I am the least intelligent person in the house. I have mentally referred to the Chateau Sursi (our B&B) team as “the chef, the authors… and Brad” because so often I feel as though I bring nothing to the table. Funnily enough, and Self flagellation aside (see what I did there?), much of this is true.

You see in the scripture above, the disciples were a lot like me. After a long day in a desolate place, they wanted Jesus to send the people away to go and buy food because he had been preaching and healing all day. Jesus’ response was “YOU feed them.”

The disciples immediately began taking inventory of what they had. They determined that they did not have enough money to buy food for everyone. So Jesus asks what food they have and they came up with 2 small fish and 5 thin barley loaves.

Jesus then calls them to seat the multitude in eating groups of fifties and hundreds, and tells them to begin distributing food. Again, they only had 2 small fish and 5 thin barley loaves, not even enough to feed themselves… but they responded in obedience.

I don't have to imagine the doubts and thoughts that went through their heads as they grasped to understand and even try to make things work because they are the same doubts that reverberate with me today. Yet after all was said and done, everyone had their fill and there was food left over.

The disciples were not capable of feeding the masses. In fact, it is likely the people also had no idea of the miracle that happened that day. This miracle was for the sake of the faith of the disciples and their call to obedience.

I am able to take some comfort in knowing that I am not the smartest, most capable person in the house. I don’t have to be. Jesus has called me to move my family, nuclear and newly extended, to France where we will host people from all over the world to come and find rest while we love them as fiercely as God empowers us. We will distribute our fish and loaves, as Jesus supplies from His provision.

Lord I believe, but help me in my unbelief.

- Brad

Rinse and Repeat

Last year on this very date, I posted a 13 Reasons Why... for our anniversary. I like this idea a lot and so each year will continue to add to the list. So this year FOURTEEN reasons why i love and adore my hubs:

• He never complains or nags about my less than stellar housekeeping (laundry is a curse from hades)
• He is musically talented; I always said I'd marry a guy who could play an instrument. It was kind of a deal breaker if he didn't :)
• He's not embarrassed by public displays of affection
• He's my best friend in the whole entire world.
• He loves our boys
• He's ridiculously quick witted and makes me laugh
• He doesn't pick at me (much) for my strange nonsensical quirks (like hating tomatoes but loving caprese salad)
• He listens to me
• He sings duets with me on road trips--even ones from GLEE
• He knows me and Loves me; nothing better than that
• He LOVES Jesus
• He geeks out over Doctor Who with me
• He makes sure that as an introvert I get time to myself to recharge.
• He is an exhorter

"Today I will marry my best friend. The one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love." 

Blarney Castle, Ireland 2011~Long-awaited honeymoon

The McLachlin family...

This is my best bud in the world, Earl, and his beautiful family. We have, literally, been through thick and thin since just after high school. We have certainly come a long way since late night drag racing, early morning Waffle House raids, and random youthful mayhem!

Ireland...Ireland...Ireland

After a nearly 24 hour travel day we finally made it home to Austin.  There is NOTHING like sleeping in your own bed after being away and I wish I had been able to enjoy it for longer than 5 hours.  It seems my internal clock thought 11:45am Ireland time was the right time to wake up meaning 5:45am here.  Doh!  I'm sure we'll have more to share over the next couple of days but here are a few pics taken by me (Brad wants to edit his before posting any).

Kinnity, Co. Offaly, Ireland

Cliffs of Moher, Co. Clare, Ireland

N27, scenic route to Cliffs of Moher

Kilronan Castle, Ballyfarnon, CO. Roscommon, Ireland

On the  road heading towards Waterford

I have never been more in awe of God as creator than I was during this trip.  There were times I was so overwhelmed by the beauty my breath would catch. I felt the bigness of who He is more in Ireland than anywhere else I've ever been and was so humbled by it that I wanted to weep.  The pictures don't come close to doing it justice but hopefully they give you an idea of how amazing the scenery is.


We also spent some time in "historic" Dublin, called Temple Bar and found this great pub called The Quays where there was live, traditional Irish music.  It was so much fun and the duo was really talented.

http://youtu.be/n78qES2EGGU

On the Road to France... pt. 3

Roberto and his wife, Elena, are awesome. That sentence was actually written about 5 times, each more sappy than the previous one. So, I will just say they are awesome! Seriously.

Before officially meeting him, I had seen Roberto around church from time to time. You can't miss him. He really stands out in a crowd. Every time I see him, he always has a smile on his face and is talking passionately about some new recipe he is trying out. Even more, he always seems to have a group of 5-6 people around him, trying to talk with him about this and that. My son, Quinn, loves him to pieces!

I had never met Elena before we joined Leo's group. She is one of the sweetest, least pretentious people I know. She complements Roberto well. Their love for the Lord and each other is displayed for all to see, and I love them both dearly, though I have only known them for a few months. This friendship has never felt forced. We have all just fallen into a groove that seems to have been cut specifically for us. It just won't be the same if we're not all doing life together in France.

That being said, we went to Roberto's house with a map of France to pray over it, to dream about what could be, to see how each other is feeling led. So far, we all seem to be on the same page. Roberto is a natural at planning the "breakfast" side of the business. We talked about sustainable food, growing our own animals, fruits, and vegetables. The ladies committed to hospital corners and folding of fitted sheets. That's when I was told that I'll be in charge of the "bed" side of the business (Leo refers to me as Bed and Roberto as Breakfast. HA!)and let me tell you, I was suddenly in that dream where you're standing on stage in front of a full house and you suddenly realize that not only have you forgotten your lines, you never even saw the script in the first place!

In one evening of dreaming and scheming, suddenly, I'm looking for the brake pedal. Let me be clear, I... CAN'T... HOTEL!! I've stayed at the Holiday Inn a few times, but I couldn't tell you the first thing about booking guests, managing reservations, managing a hospitality staff, balancing books, managing laundry service (I can't even manage my OWN laundry!). So I do what one always does when they're looking for information they don't have. I Googled it.

I started looking for B&B management software. I found a software company that seemed to have good reviews. I read their testimonials and discovered that one of the properties is only about 5 minutes from my apartment. So, I called them and left a voicemail saying I'd like to talk with them about running a B&B. Yeah, they haven't called me back.

My dad called me on my birthday which, in itself, is amazing. I told him about our mission and he suggested I look at the local college. I thought, "What a great idea!" Sure enough, the local college offers both a certification and an associate's degree in Hospitality Management. There's only one problem... I have NEVER been a great student.

I'm not kidding, I slept through Algebra class in high school. Some of you may remember that. In fact, Coach Westmoreland sent me to Mr. Bell's office for snoring... in Study Hall. I woke up in History class one day and Coach Saxon was writing on my face with my own pen! To this day, I'm not sure that I passed my classes so much as my teachers just didn't want to deal with my snoring and desk drool for another year. So yeah, college is probably not my best option, but it did get me to thinking. What if I found a local B&B that will let me intern (volunteer) on weekends for 6 months to a year and learn the business. What if I apprenticed as an innkeeper? I have ALWAYS learned best in a hands-on environment. My friend, Earl, constantly tells me how freakishly quickly I can pick up on anything that I take a genuine interest in: music, computers, automechanics, vocational ministry, customer service, sales. God seems to have gifted me with some crazy aptitude skills.

Anywho, my wife and I were visiting with some other friends, the Coleman's. We have become THAT couple who cannot stop annoying you about the thing that has us all switched on. (I promise you, we WILL bore you with all the details of our mission in France when we see you next!) We laid out the vision, from beginning to end. I told them how I am looking for an inn to apprentice with and Mrs. Coleman stopped me to tell me that they had stayed at a bed and breakfast just outside of Fredericksburg recently. She told me how it is also a ministry for church pastors to come and be ministered to and that the owners are looking for folks to come and help them run the business! She is going to introduce us via email and see if we can make this happen.

So there you have it. You know almost as much as we do. We have looked at properties for sale. We have sent inquiries on a couple properties and have received responses from mortgage companies and realtors who are eager to meet us. The 4 of us will be embarking on a vision trip over Spring Break.

Our only ask at this time is that you be in prayer for us.

- Pray that we do not become so wrapped up in the business that we let the true heart of the mission, the ministry, become lost.

- Pray that God will continue to make our next steps as obvious as they have been. Seriously. I'm not bright enough to see subtle hints. I need neon signs and burning bushes.

- Pray that the 4 of us continue to be knit together in unity for this mission.

- Most of all, pray that we continue to seek God's will in all of this.

If you're reading this, it is because God is calling you to hold us accountable. Stop us and ask us how things are going, where our hearts are, what our next steps are. He may also be calling you to serve with us as a summer/winter intern. He may be showing you that when He calls YOU into the mission field, that He is providing a place for you to come and rest, to be loved, to be heard, and to be encouraged.

Make no mistake though, if you are His, you are being called to something greater than yourself and He will lead you every step of the way.

All praise and glory be to God!

On the Road to France... pt. 2

So there we were, wrestling with thoughts of organizing a house church, struggling with our own frailties and shortcomings, convinced that we may not be hearing God correctly. Certainly, we are survivors of messy ministries. Truthfully, ministry is very messy because it involves messy people who come with their own baggage, vices, and weaknesses. We are a broken, selfish creation in need of redemption.

In light of this uncomfortable revelation, I reverted back to the only response I knew. I tried to reinvent and recreate myself in order to lone ranger this ministry into existence. Why not open a bed and breakfast? I could go to culinary school, become a chef, run a successful inn that would fund a lay counseling ministry for missionaries who need to get away from it all!

I watched Food Network (food PORN!) every chance I got. I studied up on various cooking techniques. I attended cooking classes which were actually cleverly re-branded, live infomercials. (Thank you very little, Williams Sonoma!) I subscribed to various YouTube channels that taught multiple cooking techniques, but what intrigued me most were pastries. Yes, I thought, I will become a pastry chef. I will learn my trade well, apprentice in a bakery downtown, honing my craft to perfection, and carry this ministry on the back of sugar sculptures and chocolate truffles.

Then, I screwed up a pan of biscuits and discovered that I hate baking. Why hello, Square One! Oh, you knew I would be back? How... awkward.

To say the very least, I felt a bit jaded and definitely dejected.

Before long, France had become a backburner dream. I would only think about it every so often. I continued to pray about it and for various missionaries who were steadily heading into the mission field. Several friends and familiar faces that I saw in person at church on Sundays began popping up on bulletin boards instead. Their time had come to answer God's calling. I must admit, I felt a bit melancholy because I had been given a glimpse of a wonderful calling and the only answer I was hearing from my prayers was, "Not yet..."

Fast forward to August 2011. We joined a missional community with some friends from a previous group that had split. The very first night, our discussion topic was "What Has God Called You To?" So I threw down my elevator pitch for the respite care ministry in France.

One of the men in the group, Leo, got up to make a phone call while another, Roberto (a chef, no less), playfully asked how I felt about taking a house chef with us. Polite smile from me as a signal to move on to someone else. However, Leo wasn't ready to let me off the hook.

"Seriously, how would you feel about taking a whole team of people with you?"

The silence in the room roared in my ears. I honestly hadn't considered actually asking anyone to GO with us. Sure, some folks had told Heather and me that they wanted to be involved in the ministry SOMEHOW, but no one had actually been so bold as to challenge us to form a team BEFORE we went to France. I stammered out some pathetic "I don't know. I never thought about it," milquetoast response, but make no mistake. This dormant stone started to slowly roll and shed its moss of complacency.

I don't remember what anyone else said in group. I was reeling from the fact that God had just spoken to me through Leo. We are supposed to take a team with us. We don't have to do this alone! We don't have to have all the answers!

After group, Leo told me he had called his dad who is part of a sending organization (sending missionaries, that is) and suggested that when we're ready, we should talk to his dad. Puzzle pieces were beginning to fall into place.

A couple weeks later, I went to visit Roberto at his job. He took some time out to sit and talk with me. I couldn't help myself. I started relaying to him all the foolish plans I had considered about this ministry, how it would've been cool to make it self-sustaining by funding it from a bed and breakfast. I never saw the sucker punch that came next.

"Why can't you?"
"Why can't I what?"
"Why can't you fund it with a bed and breakfast?"

That began an interesting discussion of creating a self-sustaining restaurant with various farm animals and fresh fruits, vegetables, and herbs that we could grow ourselves. It was fun to dream and easy to talk about. After all, it was all only hypothetical until the text message I received from Roberto 2 weeks later:

(verbatim)
"So do you think France is ready for me? We want to talk more with y'all about your plans."

(to be continued...)

On the Road to France...

So I feel compelled to share what God has been doing in our lives over the past couple of years and, to a greater degree, over the past couple of months and weeks.

The summer of 1998, Heather attended World Mandate in Waco while I was on a short term mission trip in Mexico. I'll leave the details of her experience for her to fill in, but I remember getting a call and the words, "What do you think about moving to France?"

My response was, "I DON'T think about moving to France, but thank you for asking." I was born and raised in Texas. I love everything about Texas. With the exception of living in San Diego as an infant and in Mississippi for a couple of months as an adult (future book title: Places NOT to Move to as a Newlywed Couple), I have lived in Texas all my life. I am convinced that Austin is the closest that one can get to Heaven without bumping into the pearly gates and if you cut me open, I will bleed Texas barbecue sauce. Though to be honest, I haven't tasted my own blood nor dipped brisket into it. So let's chalk that one up to hyperbole, shall we? Bottomline: I had no intention of going to France, except for maybe a quick European jaunt. However, it has become apparent that God tends to birth big plans for us in my wife first and is content to let me wrestle with them and, finally, submit.

Heather continued to talk about France (as though it didn't matter how I felt about it... HMPH!)and how she felt burdened for missionaries overseas. She found out that statistically, missionaries stay in the mission field for an average of 2 years, with their marriages ending in divorce and completely burned out, spiritually. They feel disconnected from the church due to not having a support community around them and churches not willing to step out of the comfort zone of signing a support check. I, too, began to share this burden. God had allowed me a season in vocational ministry and I know how it feels to have strong support, and I know what it means to have no support. So I began to warm up to the idea of beginning a respite care ministry for overseas missionaries that is located relatively close to Charles de Gaulle international airport.

From the beginning of these "stirrings," I felt the compulsion for this to be a sustainable ministry and I really struggled (and still do) with trying to assess my marketable skills and abilities. I couldn't think of how a former youth minister/music education dropout who loves to eat and hates to exercise could be marketable, much less how I could use that to earn a living, support a family, and support a ministry. I despaired and lamented over the roads not traveled. Why didn't I study harder? Why didn't I focus on this? Why couldn't God have gifted me in that? (Not many people know that the US Navy wanted me as a nuclear engineer because I happened to guess better than 97% of other applicants on the ASVAB!)

I was not trusting in God's provision, but was trying to find out how I could make His plan happen in my own timing and my own ability. I decided that we would bide our time until the boys graduated high school and were off to college. 10 years is plenty of time to get things figured out, earn some more money, pay off some bills, win the lottery, and reinvest more lucratively... RIGHT?

I took another short term mission trip to the Dominican Republic to share in the work of Makarios. With my new burden for missionaries, I worked with the TeenRock and Makarios leaders to compile a list of comforts from hom that the Makarios team couldn't get in the DR.

The day of the trip, we packed extra bags full of Goldfish crackers, A1 steak sauce, Lost Season 5, Ranch Style beans, and a number of other mundane items that we take for granted. That night, we brought out the goodies and it was like Christmas in June. Accompanying these items were various letters from loved ones in the States. It was such a beautiful and fulfilling moment that I begged God to let me live in that moment for the rest of my life! Even now, the faded memories are bringing tears to my eyes as I remember the joy, the excitement, and the sheer exhilaration from knowing that God had used me to love on these (mostly) strangers in such an intimate and meaningful way.

While I was in the DR, I was in awe at how close the Makarios team was and how they seemed to carry each others burdens so well. God showed me that this is how you avoid burnout in the field and then convicted me that we would need a support team in France. Otherwise we would only be in France for about 2 years prior to burnout, ourselves. When I told Heather that we are most likely being called to starting a house church, we both cringed a little.

(to be continued...)

No Shame--Owning My Genre

Writing, and, research, and reading, and...bah.  Can't get it to fit.  Was going for a these are a few of my favorite things vibe but I couldn't figure out what else I'd really done this weekend that would fit :)  I don't know if I ever mentioned that I have a book blog!  It's why it looks like I've gone days without posting, when actually I have MANY MANY MANY on the other blog.  The "novel I will be writing" is going to be a YA fantasy/paranormal/sci-fi/fairy tale type story.  Partly because that's what I read and so it's what I know.  Partly because I think that's such a pivotal age.  Partly because I'm a big, fat nerd and LOVE that genre.  I know that may be surprising to some, however, you're talking to a Doctor Who watching,World of Warcraft playing, young adult PNR reading girl, and that's just for starters! ( Seriously, I need a shirt that says NERD. *hint to hubby for Xmas present*) In the infamous words of Popeye, I yam what I yam!  Sooo from now on, most of my posts will be at www.puttingpentopage.com , at least the ones pertaining specifically to the writing process and NaNo, and YA books that I've read/reviewed,  other stuff will be put on here.  Unless my personal tech support can figure out a way to link the two blogs.  So pop on over to the other blog and see what's what!  Not sure how long this maintaining 2 blogs thing will last ;)

In a Funk

I've been in a funk today.  Not really sure what caused it.  We had a really fun day yesterday celebrating Liam's 12th birthday.  (I am so not old enough to have a kid this age)  He picked sushi for his birthday lunch-WIN-and my mom and grandma came down to celebrate with us.  This morning started out fairly well, I put on the gym clothes, though as many of you know the gym is not my friend, and got Liam to school.  The plan was gym, home, shower, write (and laundry/house cleaning as needed).  None of that happened as I got a call from Quinn's school telling me I needed to come get him.  He probably has pink eye, they said.  Wonderful.  Naturally my eyes started to itch and water at the mere mention of the dreaded pink.  Gotta love those psychosomatic reactions.  Fortunately, we were able to get into the doctor and he has drops and can go back to school tomorrow, but after getting home I didn't want to mess with anything.  Q doesn't really feel bad so he's driving me more than a little crazy.  Even trying to hide in my room with a book didn't work very well and we only have 1 bathroom so I can't lock myself in there either.  Needless to say, nothing really got done today and I completely hoovered the mom thing-actually continuing to do that..  I don't even want to write this.  At this point it's more an act of discipline then something I want to do or am enjoying.  Add to that there's no Godiva in the house (my stash is depleted) and we're out of my favorite wine. Though it seems I have enough whine to go around.  So there ya' have it.  My daily post.  At least it's done.

The Three D's--Distraction, Discouragement, Doubt

I did not write yesterday.  Not a bit.  Unless you count texts and twitter responses.  One kiddo was out of school, the other came home sick and I was exhausted from leading the choir on Sunday.  So there was no trip to the gym, and no writing time at Starbucks, and no hiding out away from the kids anywhere in the apartment.  I did NOT like it.  I felt blah throughout the day.  I did a book study a couple years ago that talked about "The Three D's".  It said these are the three things that are going to hinder you from doing what God has called you to do.  Two of the D's, doubt and discouragement, have been pretty well taken care of the last few days.  I've been very fortunate to have had people speak positively about me writing, and the changes they have seen in me, because of what I am now doing.  Distraction, however, has been rearing it's ugly head.  One thing after another has thrown me out of the routine I had established to keep me on the writing path.  Distraction is the one that starts you down the slippery of slope of not doing.  I could very easily see myself letting the distraction get to me and keep me from doing my daily allotted bit of writing.  Then, having not written for days, how easily that could turn into a deep discouragement, which could then flip easily into doubt.  What I find so surprising is how much I don't what that to happen.  I didn't expect in such a short period of time to be so invested.  I'm begging for perseverance.  If this is what I am supposed to do, then I am praying that I can do it even through the distractions, in spite of the distractions, because of the distractions. :)

Balance

Today has been a difficult day in trying to find time to write. Saturday is normally a day for rest or preparation depending if we are scheduled to sing in the choir the next day. Tomorrow is a choir day so today was supposed to be a prep day. Get the kids' uniforms washed, get the house cleaned, practice the new songs, etc...I didn't plan on going to offer moral support for a friend, or that it would take nearly half the day. I don't regret the way the day was spent, and I DID get uniforms washed. The thing about today that surprised me was how much I wanted to sit down and write. How frustrated I was that I was "stuck" doing all these other things and couldn't take the time until now to put pen to page. When I started on this adventure I was honestly expecting this to feel like a chore. I knew I wanted to do the book blog. I wasn't sure about this whole write a blog post everyday to get ready to really WRITE thing so I was pleasantly surprised today to find it was what I wanted to do. I was resentful (kind of) of the time I had to spend doing other things when I could have been writing. Hurray! This feels like confirmation that writing is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. The trick now will be balance. Balancing the responsibilities of wife, and mom, and life and finding the time to hide out in whichever world I'm crafting.

Good Beginnings

The last three days of trying to write or post something everyday has been a little trying. I don't feel like I'm a writer and so getting into the discipline of writing everyday has been a struggle. I haven't written any fiction yet, just explanatory blog posts and today i decided to do something a little different. I chose to sit down and write the first few sentences to multiple story lines. Only the first few lines to see if there was one I could pick for NaNo next month, just to get in the swing of things again and I LOVED it. I.LOVED.IT. I had so much fun with a couple of them that I had to force myself to stop at just the first few lines. I can't wait to see who these people are going to be and what obstacles they will have to face, who they love, who they hate. It's going to be awesome! So here for your reading pleasure are 5 firsts. Have a fav? Let me know in the comments below!

1) "It was a dark and stormy night..."

"Dani! You can't start a ghost story like that! It's lame." Eleven year old Alyssa scolded her best friend.

Danielle pointed to the darkened window across the room, where lightening flashed and rumbling thunder shook the panes. "Lys," she responded with a hint of exasperation," It IS a dark and stormy night."

2) I took in the stone facade of my newest school and let out a sigh. My sixth in less than four years. I didn't it expect it to be any different than the previous five. I didn't expect to finish the year here. In the end, we'd be running. Again.

3) "Have you lost your mind?" a deep voice growled behind me. "They will banish you if you challenge them, especially publicly with the others here."

I stared out across the coliseum where the leaders of my pantheon held court for the visiting dignitaries, then turned to face the imposing figure behind me. I reached up to cup his cheek gently and he placed his hand over mine. "They've left me no other choice, Brother. It must be done."

4) His crystal blue eyes shown brightly in the pitch hall as he made his way to the council's meeting chambers. He could easily hear the cacophony within and inwardly winced at the words being tossed about. Reaching the doorway, he stopped just short of going in. He ran his hand through his wavy, dark hair in agitation before schooling his features carefully blank and stepping across the threshold. He glanced around the room and thought one thing, This is going to be bad. Very bad.

5) "Edward Cullen is a stalker," I said just loudly enough to earn me dirty looks from most of the teens, and some of the moms, standing in line near me.

"Ellie," Myra hissed at me.

"What? He followed her around, didn't want her to hang out with other guys, and snuck in her room night after night without her knowing." I shrugged, "Says stalker to me."

Myra crossed her arms across her chest and tapped her foot impatiently, giving me her best "don't make me end you" look. I threw up my arms in defeat, and smiled slightly. "Fine. I won't make any more disparaging remarks about your precious Edward."

Reflections I

Getting back into writing for the first time in decades (?) has certainly had me thinking about the times in my life where it was a major focus. I now wish I had saved some copies of old writings instead of throwing them all away when I moved out of my parents' house. We used to do this thing in my English class called Writer's Studio. We would first do rough drafts in our spirals/3 ring binders, that's right-pen to paper, and then have time to type them into the computer and print them out. My notebook was ALWAYS a disaster. Papers torn out of spirals in no particular order. Multiple copies of the same poem. It was an ink-stained mess! During one of our free writing (as in not directed by way of writing topic) days I was *ahem* inspired by the neatness of my friend's studio. This is the only thing I wrote that I can remember. I'd edit it for a modern twist but not a whole lot has really changed. Here it is with bizarre formatting thrown in per my style back then:

Cluttered

I sit at my desk with a sausage shaped spine,

my studio's cluttered and so is my mind.

Typed papers, garbage and final copies I find,

a cluttered desk; a cluttered mind.

I flip through the papers from the front to the back,

the pages of my story aren't in order

Oh, what a wreck.

I look around and what's this I see? About the person sitting next to me

Their desk is empty, now what a find,

Could an empty desk mean an empty mind?

There it is, an original Heather Nesmith from 1988 when I was in the 6th grade. I sure hope I've gotten better with age ;)

Practice, practice, practice

One of the things I'm struggling with in this new venture is what to choose to write about. I've heard the seemingly simple but oh so true phrases: Write what you love. Write what you know. Write what you would want to read. Write because you have something to say, not because you just want to be heard (OK, I just made that one up but it's applicable). I've also read, just write until the end. Don't go back and edit until you finish. That's like rinsing the dishes and then not putting them into the dishwasher! Pure insanity. It will certainly be the biggest challenge to overcome when I get to NaNoWriMo. Because, it's not a challenge now as I'm sitting here in Starbucks and people watching as I mull over what I next want to say. And now any transition I try and make into "more serious matters" just sounds awkward.

Someone remind me again why I'm doing this? I'm still in the nervous want to throw up but getting kind of excited stage. I'm curious to see how God will use this in my life, because I have no doubt that He has planned this for this time. Yes, He used others to help bring it to fruition (and is continuing to use them with encouragement) but that doesn't make it any less His. I also can't help but ask, why me? What is the story I can tell or have to tell that no one else can? At this point it becomes necessary to fight hard against comparison, perfectionism, and doubt and just be obedient to what I'm being asked to do. Trying to take it just one day at a time and not get overwhelmed seems a next to impossible task.

I wonder about the story I'll write next month. My favorite genre is Young Adult fiction with an emphasis on paranormal/fantasy. It's just so much fun and has endless possibilities (and improbabilities) that you can explore and play with. You can create a world exactly as you want it to be. Need someone to have superpowers? Done! Want to hang out with ghosts? You can! There are absolutely no limits that can be put on the imagination as you create your own lore and birth the characters accordingly. I can give my characters the wisdom I wish I had had at that age. Wisdom of a thirty-four year old, in a 19/20 year old body--girl will be unstoppable!! That's assuming she's not a vamp or wolf or someone who's already lived a really long time and is way smarter than me...hmm...maybe i need to rethink this. ;)

Looks like I ended up with a blog post after all. It's not the length that matters, but the act of putting pen to page, right? Huh. Sounds like a good book blog name...

The New Adventure

Breathe.

I got in a twitter conversation with some authors yesterday. They are all indi-published, brilliant women that I greatly enjoy reading and interacting with. While looking for information for the new book blog I'm starting I came across an article on wordpress--the irony is not lost on me. In my self-appointed role of "positive reinforcer" (that's for you Tammara) I tweeted the article out to the gals. Imagine my surprise when I was asked: are you going to NaNo? In a knee-jerk, immediate response I tweeted back "I'm not a writer." I laughed out loud at the preposterous thought. I'm a reader; two, three books a week THAT'S what I do. It's why I decided to start a book blog. (Yes, I know that involves writing, people, just work with me here. I'm about to have an epiphany.)

And, yet...

When I went back and read the first post on this blog for the tumor-versary. I was stunned. I wrote that?! Those words were too eloquent, too well put together, too...too..too... to have come from me. I certainly don't SPEAK that way. My thoughts aren't close to that cohesive! I'm NOT a writer, am I?

There was this quiet, little voice in my head saying, "You used to be. You used to write everyday. You used to have notebooks full of stories, and poetry. You spent more time inside your own head and imagined worlds then in the real one. You used to spend hours scribbling on a page. What happened?" Have I been neglecting a gift I've been given? Is this why, seemingly out of nowhere, I'm making connections with these authors? Could I do this? Do I even want to? Regardless of want, am I supposed to? Is this why I haven't been able to find a job? Am I crazy for even contemplating this kind of a commitment? I'm not very disciplined; is this even worth trying? What if I don't try? Is this another thing I'm going to attempt and just be mediocre? Am I wasting a talent I'm supposed to be using?

All these questions from 2 simple comments created enough confusion to keep me up late after a LONG day of serving the choir. Enough questions to give me butterflies, and tear up about writing this post, and I am not overtly emotional. Enough questions to resolve me to two things. I'm going to do the Wordpress post a day challenge until November 1, either here or on the new book blog. I'm going to NaNo and have a completed novel by the end of November, which is omg terrifying! I will exercise the atrophied muscle of my creativity and see what comes from it. One day, I might even thank Tammara, Michelle, and Addison for nudging me towards this path--maybe. For now, though, I think I'm going to be sick.

Lucky 13

It's my anniversary! Lucky number 13, so to celebrate I've come up with a list (in no particular order) of 13 reasons why I am still completely in love with my hubby:

1. He is musically talented; I always said I'd marry a guy who could play an instrument. It was kind of a deal breaker if he didn't :)
2. He loves our boys
3. He's my best friend in the whole entire world.
4. He is an exhorter
5. He's ridiculously quick witted and makes me laugh
6. He doesn't pick at me (much) for my strange non-sensical quirks (like hating tomatoes but loving caprese salad)
7. He LOVES Jesus
8. He sings duets with me on road trips--even ones from GLEE
9. He never complains or nags about my less than stellar housekeeping (laundry is a curse from hades)
10. He's not embarrassed by public displays of affection
11. He geeks out over Doctor Who with me
12. He makes sure that as an introvert I get time to myself to recharge.
13. He knows me and Loves me; nothing better than that

"Today I will marry my best friend. The one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love." (from our wedding invite)

Eggplant Parmesan

Special Blog just for Lauren :) (and anyone else who wants a cheater Eggplant parm recipe)

I try to keep recipes as simple as possible since i don't like to spend all day in the kitchen, therefore the sauce is not homemade and the cheese is usually pre-shredded ;) Happy Cooking!

Need:

SMALL eggplant-thinly sliced (otherwise you will be frying FOREVER)

Jar of fave marinara

Shredded Parmesan (or mozzarella--use what you have i say)

Italian Seasoned bread crumbs (could use plain or make your own but this way it's more Italian)

fave vegi oil and butter (yes, butter)

2-3 eggs depending on size of eggplant

To Do:

Heat oven to 350

heat 1T oil & 1T butter in "frying pan"

While oil is heating beat your eggs and start coating your eggplant slices--first in the eggs then in the breadcrumbs

Fry eggplant on each side until golden brown; place on paper towel or paper bag to drain.

Add more oil and butter as needed--this may be after each group depending on pan size and eggplant size/thickness.

Once eggplant is fried and dried, layer bottom only of casserole dish--eggplant can over lap. Cover with thin layer of sauce then grated cheese. Add the next layer of eggplant, sauce, and cheese. Continue until all the eggplant has been used or the dish is full, whichever comes first. :)

Top-most layer should be sauce then cheese, 'cause who wants eggplant on the very top.

Bake about 20m, this is assuming your eggplant slices are almost paper thin (like mine). If you like your slices a little thicker, bake 10m longer.

Finally--keep experimenting if it doesn't come out exactly right (whatever that means) the first time! It's how i came up with this recipe in the first place.

Note: If you want kiddos to help, put the breadcrumbs in a zipper close plastic bag. This way they can shake it up and you have one less step to do yourself. Both my boys eat the heck out of this recipe which is great since they don't like eggplant.

Modification: You could try battering the eggplant, spray both sides with cooking spray, and then baking them to get a similar "fried" effect. I have not yet tried this as I'm still recovering from the last time this recipe was made. If someone out there gives this mod a go, I'd love to know how it turns out!

If you have a question or I wasn't clear on a direction just post in the comments section.

Chicken Wings and the Glory of God's Sovereignty...

Today I pulled a bonehead move. Tomorrow is my company potluck and I thought it would be cool to make some chicken wings and take them to work for lunch.

So I went to Wal-Mart and purchased two bags of chicken wings and a bottle of hot sauce. I placed the hot sauce and a bag of chicken in one sack, and the other bag of chicken in the other sack. I took my receipt and went on my merry way.

I got home and began preparing to make the most awesome chicken wings that Dell Customer Care has ever had the privilege of wrapping their gums around. Lo and behold, though, I found not two bags of chicken. I found only one. FRUSTRATION!

No big deal, though, right? I'll just head back to Wal-Mart, go back to the self checkout I was at, grab my bag of chicken, tell the customer service lady, have a little chuckle, and head back home to make the best chicken wings that Dell Customer Care has ever wrapped their gums around... NOT!

My chicken wasn't at the self checkout register I checked out from. So, I told the young lady who oversees the self check out stand I checked out from. No sir, she hadn't seen them. There was another bag of chicken wings at the stand which she offered me, but I was honest and told her they were not mine. It's OK sir, the service desk will probably just have you grab another bag of chicken wings. No problem! WRONG!

To save time, I grabbed another identical bag of chicken wings and made my way to the service desk. The young lady there talked to her coworker who said I was out of luck. She then proceeded to her supervisor who told her to talk with security who would run the tapes back and see if, indeed, I had left the chicken wings or if I was there to rob them blind of a $9 bag of chicken wings.

Security confirmed it. I purchased both bags of chicken wings and, sure enough, I left a bag behind... which was promptly taken by the person in line behind me. We're sorry sir, but you checked out at the self checkout. This is your own fault and we do not reimburse you for items left at the self checkout.

My flesh cried out... INJUSTICE!!! I paid for them! The person behind me STOLE THEM! Punish THEM, not ME! No dice. I paid $18 for $9 worth of chicken.

In my stewing anger, a small voice whispered, "Sovereignty" to me. I did NOT want to hear that! I want to pray hellfire and brimstone upon the heads of the great beast which is Wal-Mart. How DARE they cheat me out of 9$ of MY hard earned money. Yes, it was my own fault, but why should I have to pay the consequences of my own actions?!?!

Yes, at this point I am being facetious. I'm over my pride, anger, and self righteousness. It really isn't my money. I'm only stewarding it for God and He made the executive decision that someone else needed chicken wings tonight.

The truth is that He is God and I am not. He ordains these things to happen and through my boneheaded mistake, He has blessed someone else with food they would not have had otherwise.

I write this to exhort you. Do not let the enemy steal your joy over $9 of chicken wings. What Satan chose for evil, God redeemed for someone else's good.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Cheers to photographers!

I LOVE pictures. I love to take them and look at them (not so much be in them though) I have literally thousands of the boys over the past 10 and 8 years taken with my old Konica Minolta--which sadly doesn't exist anymore.

If I could afford it I would have family pictures done every month by different photographers. I love seeing the different styles , the techniques, and how different the end result is depending on the photographer. It's such a cool art medium.

We recently had family pics done by a friend of ours, Jen, whose art I love because of the bold colors. When she was on the World Race I couldn't wait to get her updates with all the amazing colors and faces from around the world so when she had an open session I totally jumped at the chance to have her snap some shots. It was SO fun and the pics turned out AMAZING! (Just click on her name and you'll see what I mean.) BEAUTIFUL!