To the Hills...

The McLachlin family...

2011-12-24T09:47:00.001-06:00

This is my best bud in the world, Earl, and his beautiful family. We have, literally, been through thick and thin since just after high school. We have certainly come a long way since late night drag racing, early morning Waffle House raids, and random youthful mayhem!

Ireland...Ireland...Ireland

2011-12-13T14:22:00.000-06:00

After a nearly 24 hour travel day we finally made it home to Austin. There is NOTHING like sleeping in your own bed after being away and I wish I had been able to enjoy it for longer than 5 hours. It seems my internal clock thought 11:45am Ireland time was the right time to wake up meaning 5:45am here. Doh! I'm sure we'll have more to share over the next couple of days but here are a few pics taken by me (Brad wants to edit his before posting any).

Kinnity, Co. Offaly, Ireland

Cliffs of Moher, Co. Clare, Ireland

N27, scenic route to Cliffs of Moher


Kilronan Castle, Ballyfarnon, CO. Roscommon, Ireland	On the road heading towards Waterford

I have never been more in awe of God as creator than I was during this trip. There were times I was so overwhelmed by the beauty my breath would catch. I felt the bigness of who He is more in Ireland than anywhere else I've ever been and was so humbled by it that I wanted to weep. The pictures don't come close to doing it justice but hopefully they give you an idea of how amazing the scenery is.

We also spent some time in "historic" Dublin, called Temple Bar and found this great pub called The Quays where there was live, traditional Irish music. It was so much fun and the duo was really talented.

http://youtu.be/n78qES2EGGU

On the Road to France... pt. 3

2011-11-17T22:01:00.004-06:00

Roberto and his wife, Elena, are awesome. That sentence was actually written about 5 times, each more sappy than the previous one. So, I will just say they are awesome! Seriously.

Before officially meeting him, I had seen Roberto around church from time to time. You can't miss him. He really stands out in a crowd. Every time I see him, he always has a smile on his face and is talking passionately about some new recipe he is trying out. Even more, he always seems to have a group of 5-6 people around him, trying to talk with him about this and that. My son, Quinn, loves him to pieces!

I had never met Elena before we joined Leo's group. She is one of the sweetest, least pretentious people I know. She complements Roberto well. Their love for the Lord and each other is displayed for all to see, and I love them both dearly, though I have only known them for a few months. This friendship has never felt forced. We have all just fallen into a groove that seems to have been cut specifically for us. It just won't be the same if we're not all doing life together in France.

That being said, we went to Roberto's house with a map of France to pray over it, to dream about what could be, to see how each other is feeling led. So far, we all seem to be on the same page. Roberto is a natural at planning the "breakfast" side of the business. We talked about sustainable food, growing our own animals, fruits, and vegetables. The ladies committed to hospital corners and folding of fitted sheets. That's when I was told that I'll be in charge of the "bed" side of the business (Leo refers to me as Bed and Roberto as Breakfast. HA!)and let me tell you, I was suddenly in that dream where you're standing on stage in front of a full house and you suddenly realize that not only have you forgotten your lines, you never even saw the script in the first place!

In one evening of dreaming and scheming, suddenly, I'm looking for the brake pedal. Let me be clear, I... CAN'T... HOTEL!! I've stayed at the Holiday Inn a few times, but I couldn't tell you the first thing about booking guests, managing reservations, managing a hospitality staff, balancing books, managing laundry service (I can't even manage my OWN laundry!). So I do what one always does when they're looking for information they don't have. I Googled it.

I started looking for B&B management software. I found a software company that seemed to have good reviews. I read their testimonials and discovered that one of the properties is only about 5 minutes from my apartment. So, I called them and left a voicemail saying I'd like to talk with them about running a B&B. Yeah, they haven't called me back.

My dad called me on my birthday which, in itself, is amazing. I told him about our mission and he suggested I look at the local college. I thought, "What a great idea!" Sure enough, the local college offers both a certification and an associate's degree in Hospitality Management. There's only one problem... I have NEVER been a great student.

I'm not kidding, I slept through Algebra class in high school. Some of you may remember that. In fact, Coach Westmoreland sent me to Mr. Bell's office for snoring... in Study Hall. I woke up in History class one day and Coach Saxon was writing on my face with my own pen! To this day, I'm not sure that I passed my classes so much as my teachers just didn't want to deal with my snoring and desk drool for another year. So yeah, college is probably not my best option, but it did get me to thinking. What if I found a local B&B that will let me intern (volunteer) on weekends for 6 months to a year and learn the business. What if I apprenticed as an innkeeper? I have ALWAYS learned best in a hands-on environment. My friend, Earl, constantly tells me how freakishly quickly I can pick up on anything that I take a genuine interest in: music, computers, automechanics, vocational ministry, customer service, sales. God seems to have gifted me with some crazy aptitude skills.

Anywho, my wife and I were visiting with some other friends, the Coleman's. We have become THAT couple who cannot stop annoying you about the thing that has us all switched on. (I promise you, we WILL bore you with all the details of our mission in France when we see you next!) We laid out the vision, from beginning to end. I told them how I am looking for an inn to apprentice with and Mrs. Coleman stopped me to tell me that they had stayed at a bed and breakfast just outside of Fredericksburg recently. She told me how it is also a ministry for church pastors to come and be ministered to and that the owners are looking for folks to come and help them run the business! She is going to introduce us via email and see if we can make this happen.

So there you have it. You know almost as much as we do. We have looked at properties for sale. We have sent inquiries on a couple properties and have received responses from mortgage companies and realtors who are eager to meet us. The 4 of us will be embarking on a vision trip over Spring Break.

Our only ask at this time is that you be in prayer for us.

- Pray that we do not become so wrapped up in the business that we let the true heart of the mission, the ministry, become lost.

- Pray that God will continue to make our next steps as obvious as they have been. Seriously. I'm not bright enough to see subtle hints. I need neon signs and burning bushes.

- Pray that the 4 of us continue to be knit together in unity for this mission.

- Most of all, pray that we continue to seek God's will in all of this.

If you're reading this, it is because God is calling you to hold us accountable. Stop us and ask us how things are going, where our hearts are, what our next steps are. He may also be calling you to serve with us as a summer/winter intern. He may be showing you that when He calls YOU into the mission field, that He is providing a place for you to come and rest, to be loved, to be heard, and to be encouraged.

Make no mistake though, if you are His, you are being called to something greater than yourself and He will lead you every step of the way.

All praise and glory be to God!

On the Road to France... pt. 2

2011-11-15T19:16:00.003-06:00

So there we were, wrestling with thoughts of organizing a house church, struggling with our own frailties and shortcomings, convinced that we may not be hearing God correctly. Certainly, we are survivors of messy ministries. Truthfully, ministry is very messy because it involves messy people who come with their own baggage, vices, and weaknesses. We are a broken, selfish creation in need of redemption.

In light of this uncomfortable revelation, I reverted back to the only response I knew. I tried to reinvent and recreate myself in order to lone ranger this ministry into existence. Why not open a bed and breakfast? I could go to culinary school, become a chef, run a successful inn that would fund a lay counseling ministry for missionaries who need to get away from it all!

I watched Food Network (food PORN!) every chance I got. I studied up on various cooking techniques. I attended cooking classes which were actually cleverly re-branded, live infomercials. (Thank you very little, Williams Sonoma!) I subscribed to various YouTube channels that taught multiple cooking techniques, but what intrigued me most were pastries. Yes, I thought, I will become a pastry chef. I will learn my trade well, apprentice in a bakery downtown, honing my craft to perfection, and carry this ministry on the back of sugar sculptures and chocolate truffles.

Then, I screwed up a pan of biscuits and discovered that I hate baking. Why hello, Square One! Oh, you knew I would be back? How... awkward.

To say the very least, I felt a bit jaded and definitely dejected.

Before long, France had become a backburner dream. I would only think about it every so often. I continued to pray about it and for various missionaries who were steadily heading into the mission field. Several friends and familiar faces that I saw in person at church on Sundays began popping up on bulletin boards instead. Their time had come to answer God's calling. I must admit, I felt a bit melancholy because I had been given a glimpse of a wonderful calling and the only answer I was hearing from my prayers was, "Not yet..."

Fast forward to August 2011. We joined a missional community with some friends from a previous group that had split. The very first night, our discussion topic was "What Has God Called You To?" So I threw down my elevator pitch for the respite care ministry in France.

One of the men in the group, Leo, got up to make a phone call while another, Roberto (a chef, no less), playfully asked how I felt about taking a house chef with us. Polite smile from me as a signal to move on to someone else. However, Leo wasn't ready to let me off the hook.

"Seriously, how would you feel about taking a whole team of people with you?"

The silence in the room roared in my ears. I honestly hadn't considered actually asking anyone to GO with us. Sure, some folks had told Heather and me that they wanted to be involved in the ministry SOMEHOW, but no one had actually been so bold as to challenge us to form a team BEFORE we went to France. I stammered out some pathetic "I don't know. I never thought about it," milquetoast response, but make no mistake. This dormant stone started to slowly roll and shed its moss of complacency.

I don't remember what anyone else said in group. I was reeling from the fact that God had just spoken to me through Leo. We are supposed to take a team with us. We don't have to do this alone! We don't have to have all the answers!

After group, Leo told me he had called his dad who is part of a sending organization (sending missionaries, that is) and suggested that when we're ready, we should talk to his dad. Puzzle pieces were beginning to fall into place.

A couple weeks later, I went to visit Roberto at his job. He took some time out to sit and talk with me. I couldn't help myself. I started relaying to him all the foolish plans I had considered about this ministry, how it would've been cool to make it self-sustaining by funding it from a bed and breakfast. I never saw the sucker punch that came next.

"Why can't you?"
"Why can't I what?"
"Why can't you fund it with a bed and breakfast?"

That began an interesting discussion of creating a self-sustaining restaurant with various farm animals and fresh fruits, vegetables, and herbs that we could grow ourselves. It was fun to dream and easy to talk about. After all, it was all only hypothetical until the text message I received from Roberto 2 weeks later:

(verbatim)
"So do you think France is ready for me? We want to talk more with y'all about your plans."

(to be continued...)

On the Road to France...

2011-11-14T17:44:00.002-06:00

So I feel compelled to share what God has been doing in our lives over the past couple of years and, to a greater degree, over the past couple of months and weeks.

The summer of 1998, Heather attended World Mandate in Waco while I was on a short term mission trip in Mexico. I'll leave the details of her experience for her to fill in, but I remember getting a call and the words, "What do you think about moving to France?"

My response was, "I DON'T think about moving to France, but thank you for asking." I was born and raised in Texas. I love everything about Texas. With the exception of living in San Diego as an infant and in Mississippi for a couple of months as an adult (future book title: Places NOT to Move to as a Newlywed Couple), I have lived in Texas all my life. I am convinced that Austin is the closest that one can get to Heaven without bumping into the pearly gates and if you cut me open, I will bleed Texas barbecue sauce. Though to be honest, I haven't tasted my own blood nor dipped brisket into it. So let's chalk that one up to hyperbole, shall we? Bottomline: I had no intention of going to France, except for maybe a quick European jaunt. However, it has become apparent that God tends to birth big plans for us in my wife first and is content to let me wrestle with them and, finally, submit.

Heather continued to talk about France (as though it didn't matter how I felt about it... HMPH!)and how she felt burdened for missionaries overseas. She found out that statistically, missionaries stay in the mission field for an average of 2 years, with their marriages ending in divorce and completely burned out, spiritually. They feel disconnected from the church due to not having a support community around them and churches not willing to step out of the comfort zone of signing a support check. I, too, began to share this burden. God had allowed me a season in vocational ministry and I know how it feels to have strong support, and I know what it means to have no support. So I began to warm up to the idea of beginning a respite care ministry for overseas missionaries that is located relatively close to Charles de Gaulle international airport.

From the beginning of these "stirrings," I felt the compulsion for this to be a sustainable ministry and I really struggled (and still do) with trying to assess my marketable skills and abilities. I couldn't think of how a former youth minister/music education dropout who loves to eat and hates to exercise could be marketable, much less how I could use that to earn a living, support a family, and support a ministry. I despaired and lamented over the roads not traveled. Why didn't I study harder? Why didn't I focus on this? Why couldn't God have gifted me in that? (Not many people know that the US Navy wanted me as a nuclear engineer because I happened to guess better than 97% of other applicants on the ASVAB!)

I was not trusting in God's provision, but was trying to find out how I could make His plan happen in my own timing and my own ability. I decided that we would bide our time until the boys graduated high school and were off to college. 10 years is plenty of time to get things figured out, earn some more money, pay off some bills, win the lottery, and reinvest more lucratively... RIGHT?

I took another short term mission trip to the Dominican Republic to share in the work of Makarios. With my new burden for missionaries, I worked with the TeenRock and Makarios leaders to compile a list of comforts from hom that the Makarios team couldn't get in the DR.

The day of the trip, we packed extra bags full of Goldfish crackers, A1 steak sauce, Lost Season 5, Ranch Style beans, and a number of other mundane items that we take for granted. That night, we brought out the goodies and it was like Christmas in June. Accompanying these items were various letters from loved ones in the States. It was such a beautiful and fulfilling moment that I begged God to let me live in that moment for the rest of my life! Even now, the faded memories are bringing tears to my eyes as I remember the joy, the excitement, and the sheer exhilaration from knowing that God had used me to love on these (mostly) strangers in such an intimate and meaningful way.

While I was in the DR, I was in awe at how close the Makarios team was and how they seemed to carry each others burdens so well. God showed me that this is how you avoid burnout in the field and then convicted me that we would need a support team in France. Otherwise we would only be in France for about 2 years prior to burnout, ourselves. When I told Heather that we are most likely being called to starting a house church, we both cringed a little.

(to be continued...)

No Shame--Owning My Genre

2011-10-23T18:35:00.002-05:00

Writing, and, research, and reading, and...bah. Can't get it to fit. Was going for a these are a few of my favorite things vibe but I couldn't figure out what else I'd really done this weekend that would fit :) I don't know if I ever mentioned that I have a book blog! It's why it looks like I've gone days without posting, when actually I have MANY MANY MANY on the other blog. The "novel I will be writing" is going to be a YA fantasy/paranormal/sci-fi/fairy tale type story. Partly because that's what I read and so it's what I know. Partly because I think that's such a pivotal age. Partly because I'm a big, fat nerd and LOVE that genre. I know that may be surprising to some, however, you're talking to a Doctor Who watching,World of Warcraft playing, young adult PNR reading girl, and that's just for starters! ( Seriously, I need a shirt that says NERD. *hint to hubby for Xmas present*) In the infamous words of Popeye, I yam what I yam! Sooo from now on, most of my posts will be at www.puttingpentopage.com , at least the ones pertaining specifically to the writing process and NaNo, and YA books that I've read/reviewed, other stuff will be put on here. Unless my personal tech support can figure out a way to link the two blogs. So pop on over to the other blog and see what's what! Not sure how long this maintaining 2 blogs thing will last ;)

In a Funk

2011-10-17T17:34:00.003-05:00

I've been in a funk today. Not really sure what caused it. We had a really fun day yesterday celebrating Liam's 12th birthday. (I am so not old enough to have a kid this age) He picked sushi for his birthday lunch-WIN-and my mom and grandma came down to celebrate with us. This morning started out fairly well, I put on the gym clothes, though as many of you know the gym is not my friend, and got Liam to school. The plan was gym, home, shower, write (and laundry/house cleaning as needed). None of that happened as I got a call from Quinn's school telling me I needed to come get him. He probably has pink eye, they said. Wonderful. Naturally my eyes started to itch and water at the mere mention of the dreaded pink. Gotta love those psychosomatic reactions. Fortunately, we were able to get into the doctor and he has drops and can go back to school tomorrow, but after getting home I didn't want to mess with anything. Q doesn't really feel bad so he's driving me more than a little crazy. Even trying to hide in my room with a book didn't work very well and we only have 1 bathroom so I can't lock myself in there either. Needless to say, nothing really got done today and I completely hoovered the mom thing-actually continuing to do that.. I don't even want to write this. At this point it's more an act of discipline then something I want to do or am enjoying. Add to that there's no Godiva in the house (my stash is depleted) and we're out of my favorite wine. Though it seems I have enough whine to go around. So there ya' have it. My daily post. At least it's done.

The Three D's--Distraction, Discouragement, Doubt

2011-10-11T12:27:00.001-05:00

I did not write yesterday. Not a bit. Unless you count texts and twitter responses. One kiddo was out of school, the other came home sick and I was exhausted from leading the choir on Sunday. So there was no trip to the gym, and no writing time at Starbucks, and no hiding out away from the kids anywhere in the apartment. I did NOT like it. I felt blah throughout the day. I did a book study a couple years ago that talked about "The Three D's". It said these are the three things that are going to hinder you from doing what God has called you to do. Two of the D's, doubt and discouragement, have been pretty well taken care of the last few days. I've been very fortunate to have had people speak positively about me writing, and the changes they have seen in me, because of what I am now doing. Distraction, however, has been rearing it's ugly head. One thing after another has thrown me out of the routine I had established to keep me on the writing path. Distraction is the one that starts you down the slippery of slope of not doing. I could very easily see myself letting the distraction get to me and keep me from doing my daily allotted bit of writing. Then, having not written for days, how easily that could turn into a deep discouragement, which could then flip easily into doubt. What I find so surprising is how much I don't what that to happen. I didn't expect in such a short period of time to be so invested. I'm begging for perseverance. If this is what I am supposed to do, then I am praying that I can do it even through the distractions, in spite of the distractions, because of the distractions. :)

Balance

2011-10-08T21:19:00.001-05:00

Today has been a difficult day in trying to find time to write. Saturday is normally a day for rest or preparation depending if we are scheduled to sing in the choir the next day. Tomorrow is a choir day so today was supposed to be a prep day. Get the kids' uniforms washed, get the house cleaned, practice the new songs, etc...I didn't plan on going to offer moral support for a friend, or that it would take nearly half the day. I don't regret the way the day was spent, and I DID get uniforms washed. The thing about today that surprised me was how much I wanted to sit down and write. How frustrated I was that I was "stuck" doing all these other things and couldn't take the time until now to put pen to page. When I started on this adventure I was honestly expecting this to feel like a chore. I knew I wanted to do the book blog. I wasn't sure about this whole write a blog post everyday to get ready to really WRITE thing so I was pleasantly surprised today to find it was what I wanted to do. I was resentful (kind of) of the time I had to spend doing other things when I could have been writing. Hurray! This feels like confirmation that writing is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. The trick now will be balance. Balancing the responsibilities of wife, and mom, and life and finding the time to hide out in whichever world I'm crafting.

Good Beginnings

2011-10-06T12:17:00.005-05:00

The last three days of trying to write or post something everyday has been a little trying. I don't feel like I'm a writer and so getting into the discipline of writing everyday has been a struggle. I haven't written any fiction yet, just explanatory blog posts and today i decided to do something a little different. I chose to sit down and write the first few sentences to multiple story lines. Only the first few lines to see if there was one I could pick for NaNo next month, just to get in the swing of things again and I LOVED it. I.LOVED.IT. I had so much fun with a couple of them that I had to force myself to stop at just the first few lines. I can't wait to see who these people are going to be and what obstacles they will have to face, who they love, who they hate. It's going to be awesome! So here for your reading pleasure are 5 firsts. Have a fav? Let me know in the comments below!

1) "It was a dark and stormy night..."

"Dani! You can't start a ghost story like that! It's lame." Eleven year old Alyssa scolded her best friend.

Danielle pointed to the darkened window across the room, where lightening flashed and rumbling thunder shook the panes. "Lys," she responded with a hint of exasperation," It IS a dark and stormy night."

2) I took in the stone facade of my newest school and let out a sigh. My sixth in less than four years. I didn't it expect it to be any different than the previous five. I didn't expect to finish the year here. In the end, we'd be running. Again.

3) "Have you lost your mind?" a deep voice growled behind me. "They will banish you if you challenge them, especially publicly with the others here."

I stared out across the coliseum where the leaders of my pantheon held court for the visiting dignitaries, then turned to face the imposing figure behind me. I reached up to cup his cheek gently and he placed his hand over mine. "They've left me no other choice, Brother. It must be done."

4) His crystal blue eyes shown brightly in the pitch hall as he made his way to the council's meeting chambers. He could easily hear the cacophony within and inwardly winced at the words being tossed about. Reaching the doorway, he stopped just short of going in. He ran his hand through his wavy, dark hair in agitation before schooling his features carefully blank and stepping across the threshold. He glanced around the room and thought one thing, This is going to be bad. Very bad.

5) "Edward Cullen is a stalker," I said just loudly enough to earn me dirty looks from most of the teens, and some of the moms, standing in line near me.

"Ellie," Myra hissed at me.

"What? He followed her around, didn't want her to hang out with other guys, and snuck in her room night after night without her knowing." I shrugged, "Says stalker to me."

Myra crossed her arms across her chest and tapped her foot impatiently, giving me her best "don't make me end you" look. I threw up my arms in defeat, and smiled slightly. "Fine. I won't make any more disparaging remarks about your precious Edward."

Reflections I

2011-10-05T13:39:00.004-05:00

Getting back into writing for the first time in decades (?) has certainly had me thinking about the times in my life where it was a major focus. I now wish I had saved some copies of old writings instead of throwing them all away when I moved out of my parents' house. We used to do this thing in my English class called Writer's Studio. We would first do rough drafts in our spirals/3 ring binders, that's right-pen to paper, and then have time to type them into the computer and print them out. My notebook was ALWAYS a disaster. Papers torn out of spirals in no particular order. Multiple copies of the same poem. It was an ink-stained mess! During one of our free writing (as in not directed by way of writing topic) days I was *ahem* inspired by the neatness of my friend's studio. This is the only thing I wrote that I can remember. I'd edit it for a modern twist but not a whole lot has really changed. Here it is with bizarre formatting thrown in per my style back then:

Cluttered

I sit at my desk with a sausage shaped spine,

my studio's cluttered and so is my mind.

Typed papers, garbage and final copies I find,

a cluttered desk; a cluttered mind.

I flip through the papers from the front to the back,

the pages of my story aren't in order

Oh, what a wreck.

I look around and what's this I see? About the person sitting next to me

Their desk is empty, now what a find,

Could an empty desk mean an empty mind?

There it is, an original Heather Nesmith from 1988 when I was in the 6th grade. I sure hope I've gotten better with age ;)

Practice, practice, practice

2011-10-04T11:11:00.004-05:00

One of the things I'm struggling with in this new venture is what to choose to write about. I've heard the seemingly simple but oh so true phrases: Write what you love. Write what you know. Write what you would want to read. Write because you have something to say, not because you just want to be heard (OK, I just made that one up but it's applicable). I've also read, just write until the end. Don't go back and edit until you finish. That's like rinsing the dishes and then not putting them into the dishwasher! Pure insanity. It will certainly be the biggest challenge to overcome when I get to NaNoWriMo. Because, it's not a challenge now as I'm sitting here in Starbucks and people watching as I mull over what I next want to say. And now any transition I try and make into "more serious matters" just sounds awkward.

Someone remind me again why I'm doing this? I'm still in the nervous want to throw up but getting kind of excited stage. I'm curious to see how God will use this in my life, because I have no doubt that He has planned this for this time. Yes, He used others to help bring it to fruition (and is continuing to use them with encouragement) but that doesn't make it any less His. I also can't help but ask, why me? What is the story I can tell or have to tell that no one else can? At this point it becomes necessary to fight hard against comparison, perfectionism, and doubt and just be obedient to what I'm being asked to do. Trying to take it just one day at a time and not get overwhelmed seems a next to impossible task.

I wonder about the story I'll write next month. My favorite genre is Young Adult fiction with an emphasis on paranormal/fantasy. It's just so much fun and has endless possibilities (and improbabilities) that you can explore and play with. You can create a world exactly as you want it to be. Need someone to have superpowers? Done! Want to hang out with ghosts? You can! There are absolutely no limits that can be put on the imagination as you create your own lore and birth the characters accordingly. I can give my characters the wisdom I wish I had had at that age. Wisdom of a thirty-four year old, in a 19/20 year old body--girl will be unstoppable!! That's assuming she's not a vamp or wolf or someone who's already lived a really long time and is way smarter than me...hmm...maybe i need to rethink this. ;)

Looks like I ended up with a blog post after all. It's not the length that matters, but the act of putting pen to page, right? Huh. Sounds like a good book blog name...

The New Adventure

2011-10-03T10:40:00.013-05:00

Breathe.

I got in a twitter conversation with some authors yesterday. They are all indi-published, brilliant women that I greatly enjoy reading and interacting with. While looking for information for the new book blog I'm starting I came across an article on wordpress--the irony is not lost on me. In my self-appointed role of "positive reinforcer" (that's for you Tammara) I tweeted the article out to the gals. Imagine my surprise when I was asked: are you going to NaNo? In a knee-jerk, immediate response I tweeted back "I'm not a writer." I laughed out loud at the preposterous thought. I'm a reader; two, three books a week THAT'S what I do. It's why I decided to start a book blog. (Yes, I know that involves writing, people, just work with me here. I'm about to have an epiphany.)

And, yet...

When I went back and read the first post on this blog for the tumor-versary. I was stunned. I wrote that?! Those words were too eloquent, too well put together, too...too..too... to have come from me. I certainly don't SPEAK that way. My thoughts aren't close to that cohesive! I'm NOT a writer, am I?

There was this quiet, little voice in my head saying, "You used to be. You used to write everyday. You used to have notebooks full of stories, and poetry. You spent more time inside your own head and imagined worlds then in the real one. You used to spend hours scribbling on a page. What happened?" Have I been neglecting a gift I've been given? Is this why, seemingly out of nowhere, I'm making connections with these authors? Could I do this? Do I even want to? Regardless of want, am I supposed to? Is this why I haven't been able to find a job? Am I crazy for even contemplating this kind of a commitment? I'm not very disciplined; is this even worth trying? What if I don't try? Is this another thing I'm going to attempt and just be mediocre? Am I wasting a talent I'm supposed to be using?

All these questions from 2 simple comments created enough confusion to keep me up late after a LONG day of serving the choir. Enough questions to give me butterflies, and tear up about writing this post, and I am not overtly emotional. Enough questions to resolve me to two things. I'm going to do the Wordpress post a day challenge until November 1, either here or on the new book blog. I'm going to NaNo and have a completed novel by the end of November, which is omg terrifying! I will exercise the atrophied muscle of my creativity and see what comes from it. One day, I might even thank Tammara, Michelle, and Addison for nudging me towards this path--maybe. For now, though, I think I'm going to be sick.

Lucky 13

2011-04-18T08:40:00.002-05:00

It's my anniversary! Lucky number 13, so to celebrate I've come up with a list (in no particular order) of 13 reasons why I am still completely in love with my hubby:

He is musically talented; I always said I'd marry a guy who could play an instrument. It was kind of a deal breaker if he didn't :)
He loves our boys
He's my best friend in the whole entire world.
He is an exhorter
He's ridiculously quick witted and makes me laugh
He doesn't pick at me (much) for my strange non-sensical quirks (like hating tomatoes but loving caprese salad)
He LOVES Jesus
He sings duets with me on road trips--even ones from GLEE
He never complains or nags about my less than stellar housekeeping (laundry is a curse from hades)
He's not embarrassed by public displays of affection
He geeks out over Doctor Who with me
He makes sure that as an introvert I get time to myself to recharge.
He knows me and Loves me; nothing better than that

"Today I will marry my best friend. The one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love." (from our wedding invite)

Eggplant Parmesan

2010-07-30T14:29:00.003-05:00

Special Blog just for Lauren :) (and anyone else who wants a cheater Eggplant parm recipe)

I try to keep recipes as simple as possible since i don't like to spend all day in the kitchen, therefore the sauce is not homemade and the cheese is usually pre-shredded ;) Happy Cooking!

Need:

SMALL eggplant-thinly sliced (otherwise you will be frying FOREVER)

Jar of fave marinara

Shredded Parmesan (or mozzarella--use what you have i say)

Italian Seasoned bread crumbs (could use plain or make your own but this way it's more Italian)

fave vegi oil and butter (yes, butter)

2-3 eggs depending on size of eggplant

To Do:

Heat oven to 350

heat 1T oil & 1T butter in "frying pan"

While oil is heating beat your eggs and start coating your eggplant slices--first in the eggs then in the breadcrumbs

Fry eggplant on each side until golden brown; place on paper towel or paper bag to drain.

Add more oil and butter as needed--this may be after each group depending on pan size and eggplant size/thickness.

Once eggplant is fried and dried, layer bottom only of casserole dish--eggplant can over lap. Cover with thin layer of sauce then grated cheese. Add the next layer of eggplant, sauce, and cheese. Continue until all the eggplant has been used or the dish is full, whichever comes first. :)

Top-most layer should be sauce then cheese, 'cause who wants eggplant on the very top.

Bake about 20m, this is assuming your eggplant slices are almost paper thin (like mine). If you like your slices a little thicker, bake 10m longer.

Finally--keep experimenting if it doesn't come out exactly right (whatever that means) the first time! It's how i came up with this recipe in the first place.

Note: If you want kiddos to help, put the breadcrumbs in a zipper close plastic bag. This way they can shake it up and you have one less step to do yourself. Both my boys eat the heck out of this recipe which is great since they don't like eggplant.

Modification: You could try battering the eggplant, spray both sides with cooking spray, and then baking them to get a similar "fried" effect. I have not yet tried this as I'm still recovering from the last time this recipe was made. If someone out there gives this mod a go, I'd love to know how it turns out!

If you have a question or I wasn't clear on a direction just post in the comments section.

Chicken Wings and the Glory of God's Sovereignty...

2010-04-13T19:54:00.005-05:00

Today I pulled a bonehead move. Tomorrow is my company potluck and I thought it would be cool to make some chicken wings and take them to work for lunch.

So I went to Wal-Mart and purchased two bags of chicken wings and a bottle of hot sauce. I placed the hot sauce and a bag of chicken in one sack, and the other bag of chicken in the other sack. I took my receipt and went on my merry way.

I got home and began preparing to make the most awesome chicken wings that Dell Customer Care has ever had the privilege of wrapping their gums around. Lo and behold, though, I found not two bags of chicken. I found only one. FRUSTRATION!

No big deal, though, right? I'll just head back to Wal-Mart, go back to the self checkout I was at, grab my bag of chicken, tell the customer service lady, have a little chuckle, and head back home to make the best chicken wings that Dell Customer Care has ever wrapped their gums around... NOT!

My chicken wasn't at the self checkout register I checked out from. So, I told the young lady who oversees the self check out stand I checked out from. No sir, she hadn't seen them. There was another bag of chicken wings at the stand which she offered me, but I was honest and told her they were not mine. It's OK sir, the service desk will probably just have you grab another bag of chicken wings. No problem! WRONG!

To save time, I grabbed another identical bag of chicken wings and made my way to the service desk. The young lady there talked to her coworker who said I was out of luck. She then proceeded to her supervisor who told her to talk with security who would run the tapes back and see if, indeed, I had left the chicken wings or if I was there to rob them blind of a $9 bag of chicken wings.

Security confirmed it. I purchased both bags of chicken wings and, sure enough, I left a bag behind... which was promptly taken by the person in line behind me. We're sorry sir, but you checked out at the self checkout. This is your own fault and we do not reimburse you for items left at the self checkout.

My flesh cried out... INJUSTICE!!! I paid for them! The person behind me STOLE THEM! Punish THEM, not ME! No dice. I paid $18 for $9 worth of chicken.

In my stewing anger, a small voice whispered, "Sovereignty" to me. I did NOT want to hear that! I want to pray hellfire and brimstone upon the heads of the great beast which is Wal-Mart. How DARE they cheat me out of 9$ of MY hard earned money. Yes, it was my own fault, but why should I have to pay the consequences of my own actions?!?!

Yes, at this point I am being facetious. I'm over my pride, anger, and self righteousness. It really isn't my money. I'm only stewarding it for God and He made the executive decision that someone else needed chicken wings tonight.

The truth is that He is God and I am not. He ordains these things to happen and through my boneheaded mistake, He has blessed someone else with food they would not have had otherwise.

I write this to exhort you. Do not let the enemy steal your joy over $9 of chicken wings. What Satan chose for evil, God redeemed for someone else's good.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Cheers to photographers!

2010-03-09T12:15:00.003-06:00

I LOVE pictures. I love to take them and look at them (not so much be in them though) I have literally thousands of the boys over the past 10 and 8 years taken with my old Konica Minolta--which sadly doesn't exist anymore.

If I could afford it I would have family pictures done every month by different photographers. I love seeing the different styles , the techniques, and how different the end result is depending on the photographer. It's such a cool art medium.

We recently had family pics done by a friend of ours, Jen, whose art I love because of the bold colors. When she was on the World Race I couldn't wait to get her updates with all the amazing colors and faces from around the world so when she had an open session I totally jumped at the chance to have her snap some shots. It was SO fun and the pics turned out AMAZING! (Just click on her name and you'll see what I mean.) BEAUTIFUL!

Shades of Gray: Results are in

2010-03-08T12:29:00.003-06:00

6am-Alarm goes off. I, of course completely ignore it and let Brad get up and turn it off.

6:30am-2nd Alarm goes off. I ignore this one too because it turns off on it's own. My children are a little harder to ignore as one turns on the shower to wake up and the other jumps to the floor from his top bunk. Normal morning routine has begun.

7am- Kids grumble as they are forced to spend five minutes picking up the living room. As we live in a 900sq ft apartment it takes less than five minutes for the entire room to be done.

7:15am- Kids are out the door to head to school for breakfast and I start to get ready for my day. Today is not a normal day. Today I find out the results of the first MRI I have had in a year. It's now been almost a year and a half since the surgery...ages ago and yet just yesterday. I didn't spend a whole lot of time this weekend considering what the results might be. We had family day Saturday and 3D Alice is definitely a distraction. Sunday was filled with church and choir and other weekend busyness that happens to get ready for the next school week.

8am-The apartment is now empty and I have an hour until my appointment. I hate to be late. Too many years of choir have instilled the "if you're on time you're late" philosophy, but 45 minutes early seems a little ridiculous. So I put away dishes and check facebook and piddle around.

8:20am-Possibly too early to leave but it's rainy and foggy and Austinites do not drive well with these conditions so I go.

8:45am-It took 25 minutes to go 4 exits! That is slightly ridiculous. I'm glad I left early.

8:47am-All checked in. There is an older man with me in the waiting room all hooked up to IVs. He's about to undergo a directed radiation treatment. They bring a wheelchair to take him away. The nurse also has his radiation mask and I think of Matt Chandler and his recent treatments and say a quick prayer--both for him and his battle and thanks that I didn't have to go through it (can we say claustrophobia? I'll take an MRI any day.)

8:55am-I'm finally in an exam room. It's extremely quiet and this is when the butterflies start. What will the results be? What did the MRI look like? What if they aren't good? I remind myself that God is sovereign, but what if... I remind myself that Gods got this; this is not a surprise to Him, but what if...what if...

9:15am-Dr. Wilson comes in and we go over the report...it is not possible to discern whether the gray areas are tumor tissue or areas still healing from the surgery. What does that mean? Because of the kind of tumor I had when they grow back it's in the same location as the previous tumor, usually around the edges of what has already been removed or killed by other means. So we wait. We wait to see if these gray areas begin to grow or to shrink. We wait to see if I begin to have other symptoms that would indicate growth in those shades of gray. In the meantime, I'll serve. sing. laugh. love. live. and deal with whatever comes as it comes.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

"yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14

By request: Mexican Martini Recipe

2010-03-06T21:08:00.003-06:00

So this was actually a really easy recipe as far as ingredients, just took a few to get the ratios correct. I used a jigger to get my ratios and have no idea what they are in ounces. I highly recommend keeping the ratio for the first three ingredients the same unless you just want to be smacked in the face :) Enjoy!

1 jigger silver tequila

1 jigger triple sec (orange "flavor")

2 jiggers sweet/ sour mix

2 T olive juice

1/2 lime, squeezed for juice

dash of orange juice

Pour ingredients into shaker with ice. Do a little shimmy and shake; strain into glass. Makes about 8oz of martini. You can rim your glass with salt if you like them a little saltier (adding more olive juice will also do this). Let me know how yours turn out and what mods (if any) you make to the recipe!

Umm...no. I don't like having an MRI

2010-03-04T10:00:00.003-06:00

That's almost always the first question I get asked about the procedure when I have to have it done. Here are all your MRI questions answered (as far as a head scan goes):

They are not fun. First thing I do is check in, fill out gobs of paperwork (even though I've had this same procedure done multiple times) and put on those stylish hospital pajamas. I've gotten to the point where I don't where any jewelry because ALL metal has to be removed. Wearing metal while in a giant magnet is NOT a good idea and a mistake I have made only once and never repeated--fortunately there were no explosions :)

Next, they stick me with an I.V. Halfway through the MRI contrast dye is added because my procedure is always with and without contrast.

Finally it's into the tube, and I mean tube. Those nice, open, big machines that you see on t.v. are nothing like the one i get squeezed into. This pic is fairly accurate:

Add to that, because it is a head scan I also get to wear the cool "darth vader" mask:

These masks also have little stabilizers they place against your face to keep you from moving your head. SO, earplugs are in, because MRIs are LOUD (quick sample here--turn down volume): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oI9YnhPNcQ , Vader mask is on, panic button in hand, and hopefully I'm on the board enough that I'm not going to fall off the sides. I get slid into the tube (see above pic) and the MRI starts. I get about 20 minutes of those wonderful sounds before they pull me out to inject contrast then about another 10 minutes of sci-fi noises and the procedure is done!

Results take 24-48 hours to get to my doctor (unless they discover a walnut sized tumor than they tend to let you know the same day) and I find out results at next appointment with him. Currently my doc is Dr. Wilson. He runs the Cyberknife program here in Austin which is a pretty amazing technology. Check it out:http://www.cyberknife.com/cyberknife-overview/what-cyberknife.aspx

Hope this has answered some questions and if you have to have one done and are a little nervous check out the site below or ask me questions :)

http://www.nofearmri.com/

The New Year... The New Ambition

2010-01-08T12:16:00.002-06:00

A coworker asked me the other day, "What resolutions are you making this year?" I told her I have resolved to make no resolutions. The irony was lost on her.

I've long since decided to stop promising to join the gym, eat better, or any number of other failures we tend to set ourselves up for. I find that the excitement of wanting to see a new me wanes when the effort remains the same (or gets harder) and the results start to flatline and eventually fall off. Call me lazy. Meh!

However soon after my resolution denial, I began to hear that intimate whisper in my heart of hearts, "... but are you really being the best YOU that I created you to be?" Sadly, I could not answer in the affirmative.

I've never really been motivated by money. Getting used to not having much of it tends to keep it from becoming a huge priority. Yes, I know I fall into the top 4% of the richest people on the planet. The convicting part of it is, I earn just enough to keep my family fed in a tiny apartment with one working vehicle and that's just fine. Except, I am called to be a giver.

I have been created in the image of my Father in Heaven who gives of His abundance graciously. It is His joy to give us every blessing from His overflowing storehouses. It is this same joy of giving that has been instilled in me by His Spirit that resides in me.

So, I give what I have to give. I give a lot of my time between leading and discipling middle schoolers, leading and teaching choir members, volunteering at every church function I attend, getting involved with the boys' sports at the community center, giving rides to my neighbor, etc. Time, I have plenty to give... but I want to give more.

So I began exploring ways to increase my earning potential to give more. I could hire myself out to a part time job but, honestly, I would be miserable with just another job. An old friend told me that in order to create wealth, you had to create streams of income, preferably passive income. So I looked at passive income streams which led to all sorts of investment strategies. Unfortunately, God has not graced me with a savvy financial mind and I soon became overwhelmed with the variety of financial vehicles available.

Then I saw a website that recommended turning your hobbies, the things you love to do, into streams of income instead of a money pit. Immediately, I couldn't think how I could get someone to pay me to play World of Warcraft, but I was willing to give it a shot if a financial backer presented him/herself. Still looking if anyone is interested!

I began thinking that God has blessed me with a mind and passion for computers. There isn't a whole lot that I can't do with them. I have long been a resource for various friends and family members over the years for maintaining, repairing, and consulting on their computers. Why not print up some cheap business cards and pass them around? That could get a small trickle started.

I also enjoy photography a lot and have taken a few good ones in my time. Why not dust off the camera I use for special occassions and use it to make some prints to sell at trade shows and online?

Well I didn't say it was a great plan, but it is one that excites me, won't completely monopolize my time, and will allow me to give back more than I currently am. I do not anticipate achieving what Americans consider "excessive wealth," but I feel that God has laid it on my heart to use the talents He has given me to bring glory to His name. If He can use these mustard seeds to be glorified, then I am willing to be humiliated for Him.

Already, I am under spiritual attack. The "other" voice is here, telling me I will fail and I'm not good enough. I can't argue with that. I have a proven track record. However my prayer is "if it will bring You great glory, whether through me or in spite of me, then here am I."

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Corinthians 9:7

"A gift opens the way for the giver and ushers him into the presence of the great." Proverbs 18:16

I fought the law...

2009-10-29T15:37:00.000-05:00

I was in court today for a traffic ticket, failure to display inspection sticker. I showed up early and was very nervous. I've never been to court before. I usually move to dismiss or plead out and pay my fine in advance. This time, though, it wasn't a big priority to me. This seemed like a no-brainer. I show them proof of inspection and the case is dismissed. However, I couldn't find my receipt. So, here I am in court with no proof and hopes for compassion from the court.

I'm sitting in the room with all of the other offenders and I find myself sitting in judgment over them, priding myself on dressing more nicely or my offense not as severe as theirs. These two are here for Minor in Possession charges. That one was speeding in a school zone. Her dog wasn't registered with the city nor had records of a rabies shot. On and on it went.

The judge comes in and we all rise, per the bailiff's instruction. A short grandmother in a black robe comes in and I begin to relax a bit, foolishly. She reads off the rules of the court and makes no bones about the fact that she will put up with no nonsense. She follows the letter of the law and does not stray far from it. It seems this is going to be a bit more challenging than I initially thought. I'm getting nervous again.

Two people are called before me. Guilty, pay your fine. Not guilty? Show up on this date and be ready to present your case. I am called up next. Gulp!

I come to the front and give her the most charming smile I can muster. It is not returned. I tell her good morning. She replies the same in a very businesslike manner.

How do you plead? I lay out my request for an extension or dismissal. She offers to reduce my fine by $25. She tells me the officer reported I had no inspection sticker. That's not true, Your Honor. The inspection sticker was there. It was just damaged. If that is the case, we have conflicting statements. If you are contesting the charge, plead not guilty and prepare your case against the city prosecutor. You will need to show proof that you had an inspection sticker. I plead not guilty.

All day, I have thought of nothing else, other than proving my innocence. I need to show an inspection sticker that has most likely been thrown away. I have no photos, either. I can only hope the technician who did the replacement will cooperate and provide a statement, assuming he remembers it. I have until February. I will probably have to change my plea.

Today was very sobering to me. I couldn't even defend myself against a class C misdemeanor charge. There is no way I will ever be able to defend my sinful nature in this life. Like today, I need someone, an attorney, who knows the law and is able to defend me before the Judge.

The Bible is very clear that Christ stands as a witness to those who have given themselves as followers of Christ, those who are repentant of their sins and are covered by the blood of the Lamb. Hs is our intercessor, our attorney. His blood stands witness to the fact that He who knew no sin BECAME sin that I may be found innocent on the day of final judgment. I will be absolved and my record is wiped clean. All charges dismissed.

All praise be to God and to the Lamb that was slain!

"My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous" 1 John 2:1

Encouragement

2009-10-28T10:00:00.003-05:00

This was an amazing response my wonderful husband wrote to a friend of his going through some difficult times that I felt compelled to share. I feel extremely blessed to be married to such an encourager!

My dear friend, please know that I am thinking of you and agreeing in prayer with you. God reigns supreme and this season of life will pass.

"Leaving the crowd, they took Him along with them in the boat, just as He was; and other boats were with Him. And there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?" And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Hush, be still." And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?" They became very much afraid and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?" Mark 4:35-41

If you've never been sailing, you can't realize just how truly terrifying it is when your boat is being tossed about in a stormy sea. Waves crash over the bow, threatening to overcome. The boat lists in logic defying fashion, coming perilously close to capsizing each time. No anchor will hold the boat in place and so you drift aimlessly, not knowing where you may turn up. These are the fears the disciples were facing, and losing to.

Had they realized that in the boat with them was the very God who created the heavens and the earth, the sea and the wind, maybe they would have been less focused on their circumstances and themselves. Instead, they may have spent that time singing praises, hymns, and worshipping at the feet of the one who knows every hair on their head and called each of them by name.

They called out to Him, "Teacher, don't you care about us? We are dying!" He gave them no comfort, no soothing words of peace. Instead He simply spoke to the storm, and the wind and sea immediately obeyed. He then looked at them and convicted them for their doubt. More than that, they were afraid for they had never seen anyone speak with the authority to control the weather.

I know times are very tough for you. I know that your faith is being tested and stretched. You wonder how you can go another day without God releasing you from this trial. I can only tell you that He will speak in authority and end this when the time has come.

You have a choice. You can react in fear and cry out to Him or you can rejoice in Him and wait for Him to glorify Himself in your circumstances. Both reactions are legitimate. Only one will bring peace in the midst of the storm.

John* is reacting from fear. His anger stems from not being able to control the situation and he turns to blame.

As a man, I want to solve the problem for you, as well. However, I have no more control over this than I do wishing time to turn back one second. I stand in intercession for you, praying for your constant renewal, peace in the trial, and glory to Our Father in Heaven. Regardless of the outcome, He will be glorified in You, Jane*.

"And we know that God causes ALL THINGS to work together FOR GOOD to THOSE WHO LOVE GOD, to THOSE WHO ARE CALLED according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

*names changed to protect privacy

If sin was a man...

2009-07-12T09:29:00.003-05:00

... I would fight him. I would beat him mercilessly for corrupting every good thing in my life.

My relationships with my wife, my sons, my sister, and even my parents are broken because of sin. I am dissatisfied with my job and my paycheck because of sin. Sin tells me that I will never be good enough, will never measure up. I'm too fat, too old, too uneducated, too poor... at least that's what sin tells me.

Sin if you had a physical form, I would attack you until one of us was dead... but you don't.

I am completely powerless to fight something that I cannot touch. I would have an easier time trying to catch the wind in my bare hands. I could more easily wrestle a bear.

I... cannot... fight... sin.

Praise God that Jesus did! For whatever reason, overcoming sin requires a blood sacrifice and only the blood of God Himself was strong enough, holy enough, to redeem the sin of this world.

Jesus is God and He poured out His blood on a wooden cross that I may no longer be a slave to the selfish whims of sin.

So why don't I live that out in my life? Instead, I pretend that the battle wages on and that the Holy Spirit doesn't dwell within me. I pretend that the very Spirit of God has left me to my own devices... and I let sin steal my victories.

Oh yes, sin, I would fight you... if only I could.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

Independence Day

2009-07-06T12:10:00.004-05:00

This past Saturday was July 4th, American Independence Day. It is a day where we, as a nation, celebrate our freedom and honor those who have fought, and are fighting, to secure it.

Our social freedoms are God-given and reflect the liberation that we have experienced in Christ. Once we were slaves to sin and death, unable to resist the binding chains of selfish desires.

But God in His mercy... while we were sinners, enemies of The Most High, provided a way to free us and restore an intimate relationship with Him. He sent His son, Jesus, to live as His perfect sacrifice on our behalf. Jesus took on the full wrath of God at the cross, in my place, so that I could be called a son of The Most High God.

No amount of barbecue, swimming pools, or fireworks could ever express the joy I have in Him. It is because God loved me first that I am able to freely love Him in return.

Dominican Republic, Day 5

2009-06-10T17:20:00.003-05:00

In this world, I cannot think of too many things that are more refreshing than a cool rain on a hot summer's day. Things once wilted in the sun, people included, are reinvigorated and celebrate the grace showered upon them.

It has rained on us several afternoons here. It always seems to happen right as we're packing it in for the day. It restores our spirits and cools the environment around us. We actually got cold last night!

God's mercies rain down upon us just when we need them most. Like the rain, He restores our souls and reinvigorates our spirits. He washes away the defeats and failures of the past, leaving a fertile soil for His gospel to take root.

All praise be to God!

Dominican Republic, Day 4

2009-06-08T21:38:00.003-05:00

There are 2 things in life that I will never get enough of: laughter and encouragement. One of them requires no translation as you can clearly see below.

Jody said, "You will not grow in maturity in your faith until you begin to practice, and embrace, encouraging another man. It is how we grow closer in our relationships to other men."

Satan knows the weak spot in my armor: self worth. On a daily, sometimes hourly basis, he is there whispering to me, "Sorry pal, you're just not good enough. You can't hack it. You're not useful in ministry. You're a failure as a father. You're a failure in life." It hamstrings me. It colors my interactions and opinions of others. It sets me to seeking approval in as many places as I can find it. It tempts me to give up.

The Bible tells us we were pursued by God even though we were His enemies. While we were dead in our sins, it was His joy to sacrifice Christ on the cross... HIS ONLY SON... that we may be found blameless in His sight. His full wrath was poured out on Christ who knew no iniquity, committed no sin... in order that I should be called a son of The Most High God.

As a father, I can tell you that I would be very challenged to even hurt my sons' feelings for anyone, for any reason. God sacrificed His Son in order that I should live. In light of that, should I continue to live my life listening to the voice that tells me I'm a complete screw up? Should I give audience to the voice that tells me I'm not desired by anyone, even God?

Or should I listen to the Holy Spirit who has been imparted to LIVE WITHIN ME, to guide me, to comfort me?

My prayer is that some day very soon that I will be able to listen and hear the Father's voice louder.

Galatians 4:4-7
"But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons.
Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!"
Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God."

Dominican Republic, Day 3

2009-06-07T22:20:00.003-05:00

Sabbath. A day of rest. Why is it that I am amazed when God proves that He knows what He's doing?

Worshipped with Templo Biblico today. It was such a sweet time. Sang several familiar hymns in Spanish. I was completely moved to tears as I felt the Holy Spirit moving in the songs and desperate prayers of His people, my brothers and sisters.

We visited http://www.latienda.ca/ after. Rachel started this co-op as a means to offer the village women a way out of prostitution and other forms of oppression. We met one of the ladies who gathers materials and makes earrings.

After lunch, we jumped up in typical American fashion, ready to rush forward to the next item on the list. However Juan, our driver, motioned for us to sit and allow our food to digest, forcing us to slow down and rest a bit.

It really made many of us reflect on how independent and even completely rebellious, in the light of resting in God's sovereignty, we tend to be. So often, we are too quick to run and do when He is calling us to be still and wait. We equate busyness with obedience, it seems. Instead, we seem to think we can do it on our own power and volition. If we will it and work hard enough, God will give us rest after. That's so wrong.

Instead, we should rest in Him who is able to do mighty works through us. We wait until He makes us move. I honestly believe that too many times we get in the way with our own agendas that we miss out on the blessings that God wants to give us.

So today, we practiced rest. Some practiced better than others, but Juan would have it no other way... and praise God for it!

Dominican Republic, Day 2

2009-06-07T00:24:00.006-05:00

Today, God allowed me to feel the weight of my own depravity. We walked through the batays of Poncho Mateo and Chichigua where I was overwhelmed by the abject poverty.

That God would ordain that I should live in the United States of America where one has drinkable water at the faucet, while these beautiful children live without many of our perceived necessities, seemed completely unfathomable to me. My heart broke that the villagers are dependent upon water trucks to fill a dirty sistern with water for cooking and washing clothes. Many do not have shoes. Some do not have clothes. I was filled with pity and grief, wanting desperately for them to have the life I live... only to be rebuked by the Holy Spirit.

You see, I'm not satisfied with my material wealth. Though by comparison I live like a king, my joy is not found in the car I drive, the clothes I wear, or the apartment I live in. Likewise, these villagers would not find joy in those things either. While life would be easier for these precious ones, no one has ever gone on the record to say they were tired of material wealth. It does not satisy. It is never enough.

True joy is found only in Jesus Christ. He is more precious than the finest silver, more costly than the purest gold. That became quite apparent to me as the children began to color in our coloring books and play basketball and soccer with us. With gleeful cries of "Caballito (horse)," they showed they were not there because we could give them money, toys, or other material possessions. No, they rejoiced in us as we got down in the dirt with them, shrugging off any preconceptions or prejudices we may have brought with us. They were willing to allow us the privilege of giving inexhaustible piggy back rides or playing silly games, ad nauseum.

God allowed us to share His unconditional love with a people group that has been cast aside and shunned and, moreover, we were joyfully loved in return.

Matthew 25:35-40
"For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.' Then the righteous will answer Him, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 'When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?' The King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, (O)to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.'"

*Special thank you to the Muticultural Center - Palestine, for donating many articles of clothing and toys. They will be distributed by the local churches at the missionaries' request.

Dominican Republic, Day 1

2009-06-05T21:58:00.007-05:00

I won't report the news. I won't bore you with details of narrowly making flights and what was left behind. Instead, I want this to glorify Christ.

Today, I felt joyful that I was embarking upon a journey with my family. My sister, Laura, was such a delight to visit with on all the flights. My brother, Michael, has got to be the wisest 16 year old I have ever met. I was overcome with such love for these people, though I barely know them.

What's more, I met Anne, Garrett, Katie, Robin, Cara, Miguel, Jenni, and Diego, Riley, and Jody. These are the staff members of Makarios who are hosting us this week. It was so refreshing to dine with them, laugh with them, and bring small slices of Austin to them. I am eagerly looking forward to getting to know them more over the next week.

This, I think, is what it means to be the Body of Christ. We love each other, unconditionally, though we may hardly know each other. We treat others as though they are more important than ourselves. We give as though nothing we have truly belongs to us, but to our Father in Heaven.

I have yet to see all of God's beauty that He has planned for us here. I can't wait to share more with you as the week progresses.

Romans 12:5
"so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."

Music, Music, Music

2009-05-28T13:18:00.003-05:00

So this will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. But I LOVE music. We're talking can't live without it. It is rare for me to not have itunes running at the house, earbuds stuck in my ears, or the radio turned up loud in the car. It is what God has most often used to comfort me, convict me, love me, minster and reveal Himself to me. I have been completely stuck on the song "None but Jesus" for about a year now. (If you've gotten an email from me a line from it is the tag line in my signiture--it's my favorite!) I can listen to the song 20X in a row for days in a row and not be sick of it. It is a reminder of who God is and how He loves us and what our reponse to Him should be. It makes me smile and it makes me cry and it makes me just sigh in awe of Him. Do you have something (a song, a verse, a quote) that does that for you? That just completely fills you up? Share please!! :)

"None But Jesus"

~Hillsong

In the quiet, in the stillness I know that You are God

In the secret of Your presence I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse

Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion I know You're Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay

This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You Lord

All of my hope, all of my strength

All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

Blueletterbible.org

2009-04-08T11:57:00.001-05:00

I got this off their website; really good stuff from Charles Spurgeon:

"If they do these things in a green tree, what shall be done in the dry?" — Luke 23:31

Among other interpretations of this suggestive question, the following is full of teaching: "If the innocent substitute for sinners, suffer thus, what will be done when the sinner himself --the dry tree--shall fall into the hands of an angry God?" When God saw Jesus in the sinner's place, He did not spare Him; and when He finds the unregenerate without Christ, He will not spare them. O sinner, Jesus was led away by His enemies: so shall you be dragged away by fiends to the place appointed for you. Jesus was deserted of God; and if He, who was only imputedly a sinner, was deserted, how much more shall you be? "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" what an awful shriek! But what shall be your cry when you shall say, "O God! O God! why hast Thou forsaken me?" and the answer shall come back, "Because ye have set at nought all My counsel, and would none of My reproof: I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh." If God spared not His own Son, how much less will He spare you! What whips of burning wire will be yours when conscience shall smite you with all its terrors. Ye richest, ye merriest, ye most self-righteous sinners--who would stand in your place when God shall say, "Awake, O sword, against the man that rejected Me; smite him, and let him feel the smart for ever"? Jesus was spit upon: sinner, what shame will be yours! We cannot sum up in one word all the mass of sorrows which met upon the head of Jesus who died for us, therefore it is impossible for us to tell you what streams, what oceans of grief must roll over your spirit if you die as you now are. You may die so, you may die now. By the agonies of Christ, by His wounds and by His blood, do not bring upon yourselves the wrath to come! Trust in the Son of God, and you shall never die.

Hip, Hip...HORRAY!

2009-03-16T17:09:00.002-05:00

I had an MRI last Monday and then a follow-up with the Cyberknife dock on Thursday with GREAT news!! My brain is healing nicely and there is NO MORE TUMOR. Radiation will not be required; scans for rest of my life will be but that's ok by me. This was really a great bit of news as i now feel like i can hit the play button on life again. Everything has been on pause pretty much since last August when i was first diagnosed. Nothing has been planned until we found out about radiation and now that we know treatment is done it's pretty stinkin exciting! I don't have to wait until after radiation because I'm not having it!! Such a relief and blessing to be done--at least until I have another surgery ;)

Headaches:Take 2

2009-02-08T00:14:00.001-06:00

That's right...here we go again. I've been having regular headaches pretty much every day for the last month. I'm back on the allergy meds and hopefully will be able to determine if they work since I don't have a nut sized tumor shoving things around. So the roller coaster has started once again and who knows what the results will be this time. I'm praying for the simplest solution (allergies) but at the same time know that not all the tumor has been removed and so it could be more complicated. Next MRI is the beginning of March and I hope that things are healed enough and the scan is clear enough for some definitive decisions to be made about the next step in treatment. The frustration level is pretty high at the moment as well as disbelief. I mean, seriously...headaches...again. In the the famous words of Charlie Brown "Good grief."

Learning one's limits

2009-02-01T11:34:00.002-06:00

I learned an important lesson yesterday about what I can and can not do. For Christmas, Quinn got a Ripstick. it's a two-wheeled in-line skateboard that swivels in the middle so it can be kept in perpetual motion. Brad had to go help set up at the school for church and so we went with him to get out of the house and let the kids ride their wheeled vehicles (I should have stuck with Liam's scooter)

So Quinn makes this ripstick thing look easy. He's really good at it and so I decided to give it a try. His helmet was too small for me so i, foolishly, thought "Well if i lose my balance I'll just be able to jump off; no problem." Yeah, big problem. So I get going, am on this thing for a split second and next thing I know I'm on the ground with my butt bruised, my elbow on fire and my glasses half way across the parking lot cause they flew off my head when I hit pavement. I'm lying on the ground calling myself all kinds of idiot names when this sweet high school kid with first aid training rushes up to check on me. The boys have disappeared and I'm just hoping I haven't broken anything (I landed on my phone but it survived); I found out later from Brad that they had gone inside to get him. Here's how that conversation went: "Hey Dad we might have to call EMS" Dad: "Why would we need to do that?" Kids:"Well come here and we'll show you. Come here Dad" So Brad sees me on the ground and is all "What is she doing on the ground?" So he comes outside and I have to relay the the whole Ripstick incident. not once did the boys mention I'd fallen or smacked my head. Nice to know they can remain calm in a situation like that and thank goodness it wasn't more serious. So today I have the sore muscles and gross looking scrape to remind me that no matter how young I think I am my body is happy to remind me that I'm not.

Umm...wow

2008-12-31T10:05:00.004-06:00

It's been more then a month since I've posted anything; that is really kind of pathetic. I follow other people's blogs regularly but can't even keep up with mine. In my defense it's much easier to read than write :) So what's going on here? Well firstly there has been no radiation yet. Good or bad? I can't quite decide. The last scan I had (mid-December) showed some "areas to watch" but no definitive tumor tissue. This can mean one of two things: 1)the docs got more of the tumor then they thought and the tumor is gone (not likely, but here's hoping) 2) the tumor is too small right now for the MRI to pick it up (and my brain still hasn't quite healed enough) and so we have to wait and let the tumor grow some more--sounds like fun there let me tell you. So in March I will go for another scan to see what we can see. I feel like a broken record..scan, meet with the doc, scan, meet with the doc, scan...

P. T. is still ongoing as well. I think I'll ask today how much longer I have. I'm surprised by two things 1) how much and how quickly it has improved my stamina and 2) how much of a weakling I still am. I realize surgery was really not that long ago, only 3 months, and yet it feels like I should still be able to do more then I can. I still have those unknown limits that I talked about in other post but fortunately the limits keep getting better.

Since it's New year's Eve I'll go ahead and wish everyone a Happy New Year. I'll try to be better about posting int he coming year. Anyone have any resolutions? My mom's is the same every year and one I can get behind "Try to eat more avocados this year then last".

Time for an update of sorts

2008-11-24T11:48:00.002-06:00

Physical therapy is a pain--literally. I have one GREAT hour after it where all the endorphins have kicked in and caffeine from the coffee I get after and it ROCKS! That is the way I wish i left all the time, but the crash inevitabley occurs and I feel worse then before and really sore the next day. I'm hoping eventually this tortuous cycle will lead to actually feeling great and if nothing else my abs are getting nice and tight--six pack here I come! Ok maybe maybe a four pack.
No radiation yet. My brain has not healed enough for them to accurately say whether the big white spot on the MRI is tumor or scar tissue. Fortunately, the doc doing my radiation also assisted on my surgery so he KNOWS there is tumor tissue there they just need a clearer picture for the "ray gun". That means another MRI in December. I really hope the next pic is clear enough to see what we need to see so everything can get done before the new year and we have to start of with deductibles and all that fun stuff.
Speaking of pics...I posted a new one to facebook. I have some hair now and the incision looks more like your typical scar now. It also doesn't look quite as big since my hair is getting longer. though when you look at it from the front i have this lovely little part in the middle of my head--I've been calling it my no-hawk. It's also been called a reverse mohawk, a runway, and a landing strip...where do people come up with these things :)
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=74040&l=403a7&id=696305902

"Ray Gun" Radiation

2008-11-10T10:16:00.002-06:00

Today I had an MRI in preparation for radiation treatment on the remainder of the tumor--and am thanking God that I did not blow myself up. Undergarments with wire and giant magnetic machines don't normally go together but i had no problems. I follow-up Wednesday with the Cyber-knife doc about my treatment plan. So you're probably completely confused by now since I haven't posted recently about well...much of anything :) The Cyber-knife is a directed radiation tool used on tumors--think laser but the beam is radiation and not light. This is REALLY exciting because it means I will probably not be having blanket radiation (i have no idea if this is the proper terminology but it's my blog so :P ) It means no burns on my head, no hair loss, no dental complications, etc... The only complication/side effect is fatigue and I'm a champion sleeper so I can handle that one. I can not even begin to tell you how good this news is for us. I'll have a dead tumor with minimal side-effects, very slim regrowth chance, and it could take as little as an hour for the procedure. I'll even be able to drive myself home. What a blessing to live in a time and a country where modern medical technology makes it easier for good health to be regained!

I've also started physical therapy. I was having neck and shoulder pain along with the headaches before surgery and am now having lower back pain. Let me just say physical therapists are mean, mean mean! Nothing personal of course, I just find it counter intuitive that in order to get rid of pain you have to experience more pain. Anyone else see a problem with this?! I have about one month's worth of therapy for now and then we'll see after completing this round where things stand. I'm hoping all this stretching and stuff I'm having to do will add an inch or two to my height.

Help!...Again

2008-11-07T17:41:00.002-06:00

I love getting those notes home from school letting you know the kids are out the following school day. Today we got one of those and I have an MRI scheduled for Monday morning. Anyone want to babysit 2 cuddly kiddos (ok maybe not so cuddly but they're cute!) for a couple hours on Monday? I'll be at the women's retreat this weekend-hooray!-but Brad can check the blog for comments if anyone is available. Thanks a bunch and I will update on radiation and physical therapy (ugh) soon.

Ahhhh

2008-11-05T13:09:00.003-06:00

Today, I am one step closer to being fully recovered.

I had beef fajitas and it was beautiful. I'd been craving them for quite some time (maybe I need the iron) and today that craving was fulfilled. I'm a happy gal. Now I just need some Godiva truffles and my bliss will be complete. It truly is the little things.

EDIT: The hubby ATE my leftovers!! Grrrr....I really wanted them for lunch. Next time I'm hiding them.

Way over due

2008-10-31T15:13:00.005-05:00

So I am way over due for an update and hope I can get it all down-err up?-before my body tells me to stop. Thank goodness for spell check or this thing would look really ugly. So here we go:

Health-As with each topic I'm going to update there will probably be some good and some bad. Let's start with the bad news and get it over with--I'm having headaches. i don't say still because these are different from the ones before. I'm also having some severe muscle cramping/seizing in my neck, upper back, and upper right arm as well as pain in the lower back. It makes sitting for extended periods of time a little difficult. I had ANOTHER CT scan today to find out if it's a head problem and I also start physical therapy next week for my back and neck to see if it's a muscle problem. I also will FINALLY meet with a doctor about radiation treatment on Thursday of next week. There is a small possibility I won't have to have radiation but we are not counting on that. I am still not able to comfortably bend over or look down (at least for very long) which leads to a bigger complaint down the page.

Good news is that energy wise I'm feeling better. I still don't know what my physical limits are until I've passed them but my limits are getting longer. There is also an amazing group of women who have arranged for me to have help with housework once every other week until the end of the year. This has been such a blessing as it has taken pressure off both me and Brad in regards to all the housework; my frustration at not being more capable, and his at having to do so much in addition to work.

Finances: Bills have started coming in and so far have not been bad in relation to the kind of surgery. There have been a couple hiccups with insurance denying a few claims but after calling they are supposedly going to be taken care of. Insurance just needs to refile the claim. The relative ease of the finance aspect has been a big time stress reliever.

Spiritual: Brad will have to speak for himself, but for me I'm very frustrated with my inability to interactively study. I can listen to bible verses/chapters on line but that generally ends up putting me to sleep (as do Piper sermons--he has a very soothing voice). NOT that any of them are boring or uninteresting, I just need to be able to read and respond (ie journal) to feel like I'm really getting it. Praise music has been a great ministry to me (as it always is cause music is the best) as has the extra praying but I am a big reader and so miss that a lot. Emotionally there are still ups and downs. I'm definitely more up when I'm able to get out and be around other people--who knew how important community was, and this is really funny coming from me cause I'm an introvert--and lower when I have to spend extended periods of time at home with limited distractions and no hobbies available.

Right now, overall, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm signed up for the women's retreat next weekend and am sooooo looking forward to it. I hope it will be a good charge for the batteries before heading in to radiation.

I also can not begin to express the gratitude we have for all the prayers, meals, party throwing, house cleaning, kid watching and driving offers that have come from everyone. I HATE to feel like a burden and we have been served so joyfully that it has made it easier to ask for help when we really need it; it doesn't mean I LIKE to ask for help (hate it as a matter of fact) but it's getting easier for me to ask which is progress, and that's a good thing :)

Lactose free Goodness

2008-10-27T08:03:00.002-05:00

I can have my cake and eat it too! Well...milk and yogurt anyway. I have "discovered" the BEST milk. Most lactose-free milk is REALLY sweet and kinda gross (this goes for soy milk too) but HEBs Mootopia milk actually tastes like milk. Imagine that! And goat's milk yogurt actually tastes like yogurt (tried a coconut milk version and I was not a big fan) Next on the list....find a good ice cream. I know there's gelato but I haven't seen it in a freezer section to bring home :)

Birthday Woes/Me Me Me

2008-10-15T13:03:00.003-05:00

So not only am I a bad blogger-- today I am feeling like a bad mother (and wife but more on that later). Tomorrow is Liam's birthday and I have nothing planned. He has been talking about a party for months (we tried to talk him into laser tag at blazer laser but he insists on a party) and I have no idea what it's going to look like or how to get a few of his friends here, since it's a little late for invitations, or even if I can handle a party. I know Brad will help but it's been a rough week for him ( this is the wife part). He's pretty much been dealing with the kids, and housework since my mom left and has surpassed his level of patience. I feel horrible not being able to do more to help him and completely frustrated and annoyed with this stupid body. Not only that I'm just tired of being me; tired of talking about me (and that sounds bad because i know people are asking out of genuine concern so we can add guilt to the list of bad feelings); and I'm annoyed that I can't seem to take the focus off me and onto God and what He is doing. and frustrated that I can't see it. That's it. I'm done. If I keep going it's going to keep being about my frustrations and me.

Bad Blogger

2008-10-12T07:40:00.002-05:00

So I DID mention in another post that I'm a horrible blogger? In this case I will blame Brad since my computer time is limited :)
It's been a while since we did an update so here goes:
Four weeks out from surgery--My mom left yesterday. I am slightly panicked by the thought of having to do everything she was doing and surviving (hello melodrama). Not only was she doing ALL the housework she was also taking the kids too and from school each day--this is the part that is the most scary as my body still hates me and will require 2 trips up and down the evil stairs--Brad is going to take them to school so that will help A BUNCH. We've (mom and I) been trying to get me out of the house and doing stuff as much as possible the end of last (or this week--I always get confused how to state that) and it made me realize just how far I have to go to be back up to full energy. Who knew surgery on my head would have such a total effect on my body?
I not yet met with the oncologist about radiation. It was not specify who I was going to be referred to so that had to be confirmed with the brain man before an appointment was scheduled. So I will probably be calling again on Monday to find out what the status is on all that. However I am NOT looking forward to it. Hoping to be a more informed patient I went and looked at side effects for the radiation here is some of the fun I might have to look forward to ( most of this is localized to the treatment area)

Skin problems: redness, dryness, etc.. and DON'T EXPOSE THE AREA TO THE SUN FOR 1 YEAR AFTER TREATMENT ( How's a body supposed to swim?)
Redness and irritation to the mouth/dental issues (there's a big old list of dos and do nots for food and drinks on this one--having to forgo coffee is a tear-jerker)
change in skin texture
eating and digestive problems (cause i haven't had enough of those...lol)
nausea and lack of appetite (liquid diet here I come)
hair loss--no biggie there BUT it may come back thinner and a different texture (PLEASE NOT CURLY)
Fatigue
tumor in area being treated (rare, and ironic too)

So that's a few of the side effects. As irritated as I've been about recovery I hope I'll be too fatigued to care about any of the other stuff if it happens. :) honestly, I guess I'm just more resigned to the fact that there is more refining to be done both individually and as a family. I keep clinging thightly that there is a purpose for all of it, that good has and will come out of it--it doesn't I like it.

Pictures--FINALLY

2008-09-29T11:31:00.004-05:00

I got the pictures to upload to facebook so below you will find the link for them. Be forewarned if you are a little squeamish, the last couple are of the incision 2 days after surgery.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=74040&id=696305902&l=403a7edf2e

Promised Pics

2008-09-29T10:50:00.002-05:00

So I know we've been promising pics of the head shaving shindig and for some crazy kids in Botswana, a pic of the after surgery incision. For some reason they are not uploading to the blog (I keep getting an error message). I will continue to try and get it working and if nothing else works will post them to my facebook and just link it. Thanks for your patience. :)

Recuperation

2008-09-25T08:41:00.002-05:00

Recuperation is proving to be yet another chance to exercise patience--which I am not very good at. We are 9 days out from the surgery and I am very frustrated at what I can't do, especially now that I'm getting a little stir crazy.
I got to get out of the house Tuesday to go see the brain man. I have a hematoma (bruise) and basically look like my head is that of a new-born (think cone head with soft spot) and so we had to have it checked out. He said it looks fine but to call right away if it starts oozing (ewwww). I then got to go grocery shopping (those motorized shopping carts are surprisingly maneuverable) and had lunch at Jason's Deli. This was my first big outing since the surgery and I paid for it yesterday. I'm finding the most frustrating thing of this recovery is not knowing where my limits are. I feel really good physically--at least most of the time--and so am under the impression that I can actually do stuff like I could pre-surgery, well maybe not quite like I could but at least more then I could do post-gall bladder surgery. So the fact that I am coherent and mobile make the confinement to the third floor all the more frustrating (my stair climbing has been limited to about 1/week) Add to that staying on the computer too long makes me feel ill, as does reading, and it makes for a pretty boring day. If anyone has movies they want to share I'd appreciate it--there's only so many times you can watch animated ones. Thanks for letting me complain and to Melody for visiting and bringing lunch. It was a nice break in the monotony. I'm hoping to get to come to church on Sunday. We'll see if the warden a.k.a Mom releases me for good behavior :)

Prayer Requests: Patience, quick healing, be mindful to give thanks (cause this could have been a whole lot worse).

Just a quick thanks

2008-09-19T11:44:00.002-05:00

to all who have been praying and bringing meals and keeping up with the blog. I can not begin to tell what an encouragement it is to hear from all you. I have to apologize for this post being so short but I can only handle about 10m on the computer at the time. Will have Brad post more soon on recovery and my confinement. thanks!!

Visitation...

2008-09-16T22:50:00.004-05:00

For those who would like to visit Heather, she is at Brackenridge hospital on 15th. She has been moved to room 936. Visitation is 10:00 a.m. - 8:00 p.m. She is begging for people to come visit, she's getting bored... a sure sign of healing. :)

For those who can't make it down to the hospital, her direct line in her room is 324-7936. She would love to hear from you!

Heather is actually being released today. We should be leaving around lunchtime. So, alter your plans of visitation and come see us at home!

Miracle...

2008-09-16T22:14:00.002-05:00

mir·a·cle /ˈmɪrəkəl/ –noun
1. an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.
2. such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God.
3. a wonder; marvel.

There are a number of ways of looking at the events of the past three weeks. Heather and I have presented our perspective and concluded that all evidence points to God's sovereignty throughout this time of tribulation. Some disagree. Some are on the fence. All agree that it has been an intense ride.

Right now, I would like to give you a very small glimpse at the timeline as it unfolded.

Saturday, August 23
Money has been tight. We have just wrapped up a series on Money Matters at The Stone and Heather and I have committed to stick to a hardcore budget in order to increase giving and be able to make a larger impact in St. John's.

School is starting on Monday and we have not been able to get school supplies for our boys. So, we make the logical decision to transfer money from savings in order to go school supply shopping. However, it can wait until after we go and pick up our grocery order from Angelfood Ministries (http://www.angelfoodministries.org).

On the way to the car, a lady from our apartment complex stops me and tells me I need to take my boys to the leasing office. Apparently, there is a church who is filling backpacks with school supplies and giving them to the residents for free.

Monday, August 1
I am sitting at my cubicle, feeling sorry for myself. I'm really getting down on myself for not finishing my degree and getting a better job to better provide for my family. I am a comfort idolater and, while our needs are being met, I would fell more COMFORTABLE if we had a larger financial cushion. At any rate, I'm worrying myself sick.

I pray and give it to God. I haven't provided one single thing for my family because, ultimately, He has given as we need from his abundance. Peace.

While sorting through my email, I stumble upon an old email that says I have a check that was not deposited, for $125. I call the HR office and state that the check was not received. The lady on the other end said she would reprint the check and asked if I would like to have the second check reprinted, as well. Second check? Yes sir, for the amount of $325. In my doubt, God is faithful.

Tuesday, September 2
I received a call from Heather's neurologist. It's a brain tumor, she says. I'm completely numb. I think I'm going to pass out. I quietly thank her and silently grieve. I cry out to God, praying that He be sovereign and glorify His name in this. Later, I find out the tumor is a meningioma which is 99% benign. If you have to have a brain tumor, this is the one you want.

I have a team meeting where I have won two awards, yielding another $125.

Thursday, September 3
I've been asked to run sound for a gig downtown. I was surprised with a $50 gift card. I thought the job was unpaid.

Friday, September 12
A dear friend at work told several people I work with about my wife's condition. Several people donated to a collection for us. God provided several hundred more dollars in a way I never expected.

Monday, September 15
Several friends come and sit with me in the waiting room during surgery. The wait was pure joy as we just enjoyed each other's company. A touching gesture, to be sure.

Surgeon is out. All went well. He got what he went in after. I get to see Heather. She says she feels better than she expected. In fact, she said that 20 times. She had some good drugs that zapped her short term memory. I pressed my luck a bit too far. She began to remember me making fun. Oops.

Tuesday, September 16
Heather has been moved to another room. She says if I bring the boys, she will walk down to the waiting room to meet them... walk... down the hall... she had brain surgery a little more than 24 hours ago... and she's walking. Nonchalantly, she says yeah, they may release me tomorrow. We were scheduled for 2 days in ICU and another 2-4 days in a hospital room. The surgeon said her right leg would be weak for a while due to the manipulating he had to do with her brain. There is none. The staff are very impresed with her rate of recovery.

Folks, I can only think of one way to sum up this epic journey... miracle. God be glorified.

Over the First Hurdle...

2008-09-15T11:14:00.002-05:00

Hey guys!

Heather went in to surgery at 8:00 a.m. At 11:00 a.m. Dr. Stokes came to the waiting room and announced that Heather came through just fine. He was able to get most of the tumor and confirmed it as benign.

She is on her way to ICU where she will spend the next day or two. She will not be cognizant or coherent today. We're expecting her to have a room by Wednesday or thursday and we would love for you to come by for a visit. I will update the blog with her room number.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. The worst, I believe, is past. Now begins the long and arduous road to recovery. However, God has been faithful throughout this process and will continue to be faithful. All praise and glory belong to Him!

The Cry of My Heart

2008-09-15T00:18:00.003-05:00

It is 12:20am day of surgery as I begin to type this. I should be asleep yet am burdened by the need to take some time to share Christ with those who might not yet know Him or who have walked away from Him. There are probably some of you who will stop reading this after the first few sentences, but I ask you to continue to read. I fully expect to come through surgery healthy and healed but just in case I want the last words I speak (or type in this case) to be ones that encourage people to look to Jesus.
To those who say church is full of hypocrites, let me offer you the replacement word of sinner and confess that I too am a hypocrite. No matter how much I love Jesus, no matter how desperate my desire is to be like Him, it is my very nature to rebel, to sin, to put my selfish desires on the throne of my heart instead of my Saviour, but God being abundant in grace and mercy provides us with a helper in the form of His Holy Spirit and abundant forgiveness if we confess and ask for it.
TO those of you who were told the "condemnation gospel"--that's the one where someone comes up to you and rants and screams believe in Jesus or go to hell!--let me apologize to you and ask your forgiveness. This is not the message that Christ brought to us. He came to love us, to heal the rift that sin caused between us and God and to restore our relationship with Him.
It's now after 1am. I spent 40m writing (and deleting ) paragraphs about Jesus, and salvation and found what I wanted to say on the Desiring God website :
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/2007/2389_The_Gospel_in_6_Minutes/

Please know that all of this comes from a place of love--love for my Jesus, and love for you. It is my greatest desire that you have a personal relationship with Jesus, that you be reconciled to God, and that we spend eternity together praising Him. Please. Please take the time to read the article. Open your hearts and your minds to who He is and what He's done for us. I love you.

VanityThy name is Hair

2008-09-09T15:06:00.002-05:00

I cried a little today. Not because I'm having surgery or the risks involved with the surgery, but because the best option for my hair is to either walk around looking like a sixty year old half bald man (as in no hair on top) or I have to shave my head. Yes, i realize how totally stupid it is to get upset over my hair when I haven't gotten upset over everything else (insert proper psych term here) but it's my hair. It's the cute little haircut that I am so excited to get every time I go in to the salon. It's one of the very few things I am actually girlie about and now I have to cut it all off. The only option I could come up with so i don't completely lose it when we cut it (there is no way I'm letting them near it at the hospital--what do they know about barber-ing) is to have a big party and you're invited! Bring your potluck and your cameras to document this momentous occasion (seriously, we're gonna do potluck and a head-shaving ceremony; give my hair the sending off it deserves) and then Monday (6 days from today) I will go in for surgery. I'll spend 2 days in ICU and then at least another 2 on the surgical wing or something like that. After that it's no driving for at least a month. I'm either going to learn some bus routes or be calling on some taxi service from you loyal readers. On the plus side, household chores are pretty much out for a while; not lifting of things over 5lbs and no bending forward is allowed. I did not however get out of folding laundry. I'm allowed to do that if someone brings it to me. Guess i don't get a total vacation after all. That's it for now as I'm off to go look at hats. I imagine you'll be seeing me in them often over the next few weeks.

Update...

2008-09-09T14:52:00.005-05:00

So, here's MY first official post.

We met with the brain man today to discuss our final prognosis and schedule surgery. So, here's what we found out.

The tumor has been growing for years. It extends toward the front of the brain and even further between the two lobes. Surgery will get most, but not all, of the tumor. A few weeks after surgery, we begin radiation therapy to fry a bit more of the tumor. There is also a cyst, kind of a brain zit, that the surgeon will "evacuate" while he removes the tumor.

We will be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. Surgery will take about 3 hours. Heather will be in ICU for 2 days and another 2 days in a hospital room for observation. She may get to come home by Friday.

Heather will be subject to annual MRI scans from now on. The doctor also spoke of the possibility that we may have to do this all over again in ten years, or so.

And here all along, I was thinking this wasn't going to be fun!

Surgery is scheduled for Monday, September 15th. Heather has decided she is going to throw a head shaving party on Saturday, a requirement of brain surgery. Be looking for an Evite. Additionally, if you do not receive an Evite, it isn't because you're not invited. We would like everyone to come by on Saturday and celebrate with us.

CELEBRATE?!? Absolutely! While I am currently experiencing a lot of anger and remorse through this ordeal, carnally, I continue to rejoice spiritually.

Christ willfully submitted to affliction, suffering, and shame to redeem the relationship that was broken through man's sinful nature. To bring us back to the Father, Christ suffered ultimately and willingly.

We have an opportunity to share in the fellowship of Christ's suffering. We're not enjoying it by any stretch of the imagination. This entire ordeal has been baptized in our tears. Yet, our hope is in Christ. He is our joy and our rock. If Christ did not suffer for our sins, if He did not die on the cross and physically rise again, victorious over sin and death, then we are a people to be most pitied. We have no other hope in this life, or after.

My prayer, OUR prayer, is that once the smoke clears and all has been finished that, no matter the outcome, God brings glory to His name... whether through us or in spite of us.

Independence and Isolation

2008-09-08T10:31:00.005-05:00

I am the first-born of three kids; I have a younger brother then sister. I also have all the typical first-born characteristics: independent, parent-pleaser, rule-follower, strong-willed (some call it stubborn I say they just hate to be wrong and my way is better anyways). For example, a couple years ago I was able to go to Europe and tour London, parts of Ireland and some of Paris by myself. Several people couldn't believe I did it alone. I don't mind being by myself and doing things by myself. I actually like it. My favorite hobbies are very individual oriented (reading and photography). Unless absolutely necessary, I've been to all the doctor's visits alone and I find it difficult to ask anyone for help (this could be a pride issue--chewing on this one) because I want and like to do it myself or by myself.
Can independence turn into isolation? Our community group disbanded and we have yet to actively seek another. This summer I didn't work at the church but stayed home with the kids and had little to no contact with others except for on Sundays. I felt very isolated from life in general (I'm sure of you other stay at home moms can relate to that) and apart from the goings on in other peoples' lives.
Let me just say I don't think times of isolation are bad. We see Jesus frequently going off by Himself to be with the Lord and on the cross He suffered the ultimate isolation of being completely separated from God. God uses isolation to bring about change as He did with me this summer but we are not built to stay in it.
The isolation didn't start to bother me until the end of the summer when we started getting ready for the kids to go back to school and I realized I would have nothing to do while they were gone. I really started to feel isolated and alone. I began to wonder why I hadn't heard from anyone; was this isolation my fault; had I been lax in my efforts to maintain relationships that were once a daily part of my life; how do I go about correcting this; do I want to even make the effort to correct it? God really didn't give me a choice in that one.
For the second time in less than a year I am facing surgery; not a simple "day" surgery like for my gall bladder, but one that is major and carries greater risks and a much longer hospital stay and recovery time. I have no choice but to rely on others to take care of my family: spiritually, emotionally, physically, possibly financially (don't worry, we're not moving 3 days after this surgery is done) and to take care of me--the independent one who has no choice but to ask for help, because what do you know, I'm not superwoman. I have a community of people who are not just willing to serve but who are honored to do so, who genuinely care about the needs of my family and want to meet those needs because it is what Christ did for us. I am overwhelmed and humbled by their support and thankful to not be isolated anymore.
This also has me thinking about my neighbors--Brad likes to say they're called APARTments for a reason. How many of us have neighbors who might consider themselves isolated? Are we isolating ourselves and not being salt and light to them? What can I do to change this and truly serve them? More things to chew upon as I continue with the strange blessing that comes in the shape of a Brazil nut.

Breaking News

2008-09-04T08:51:00.003-05:00

I just got off the phone with the brain man and the winner is....surgery with post operative radiation. Congrats to all who picked that as the choice for taking care of the tumor. Seriously though, I go in the beginning of next week to have another face to face meeting and get all my important questions answered (like will I have to shave my head) and then we will schedule the big deed for either next week or the week after, which to me seems really fast. Yes I know I was complaining about it being a slow process in another post, what can I say, I'm fickle. I'll keep you posted with more details as they become available.

A Little History

2008-08-28T09:11:00.004-05:00

I started having headaches around October of last year. It started out as what felt like eye strain so naturally I went to the optometrist first thinking it was time for a new prescription. Well nothing had changed so the assumption was changed to allergies. I'd never suffered from them before (and was quite smug about it) but I'd had several people say to me if you live in Austin long enough you'll develop allergies. The five year mark seemed to be the birthday for allergies and we had just finished our 5th year here.

So I went to my GP and the symptoms jived with allergies for her too. Thus started the LONG and tedious process of trying different allergy medications. None of them worked and the headaches were starting to get progressively worse. By March I was taking OTC (over the counter) pain meds at least once a day. Went back to the GP in June and she had some Xrays done of my sinuses. Apparently she saw something she didn't like in them because I was on a double strength, double antibiotic for a month, but it STILL wasn't helping the headaches. So back to the doctor again and some med switch ups. She put me on a headache prevention med (which helped with the intensity of the pain but didn't get rid of it completely) and she gave me the name of a neurologist.

The week before school started I went to the neurologist--my brain lady--and she took me off all OTCs. I was up to 4-6 Advil a day and she took them away from me. Turns out she wasn't just being cruel, though you couldn't have convinced me otherwise at the time, but there is a thing called analgesic overuse syndrome which can actually cause you headaches. So she was right. Mark your calendars people, I said someone else was right. Getting off the OTCs helped with one kind of headache but not the other. Did I mention I was having two different kinds of headaches? The "pressure" headaches were the ones that concerned the brain lady so she scheduled me for an MRI, and the rest is history.

So when I'm told that I'm "handling this well" it's partly because there is FINALLY an answer to what has been a long and frustrating process. There is a reason (well, possible reason if you go by what the brain man says, brain lady gives better then 50-50 odds on the tumor being the headache cause) for all the headaches I've been having, and it's a relief to know it's something treatable.

This is not to say that the whole process has been easy. There have been times when the pain has been so intense that all I could do is cry (literally) out to God for comfort and help and healing. The ONLY reason I was and am able to handle it well is because I trust in God's sovereignty. That there is a purpose and a plan for all of the things we are going through (I say we cause the poor hubby gets to go through it too), even if it's just to rely on Him more and bring us closer to Him. That doesn't mean I haven't been frustrated or worried or scared, it just means when those emotions start to take over I can now tell myself "Stop. That's not yours to handle. Give it back to God so He can take care of it for you. He can do it better anyway" I can truly say that without faith that God is in control, without Christ as my Rock and without the training I received at The Stone and the spiritual growing that has accomplished this would not be handled as well as it has been. Not even close; probably more fits of hysteria and much weeping and gnashing of teeth, so thanks to all The "Stoners" out there.

Whew! Sorry for such a long post. Take it in small bites, it'll be easier to digest that way :)

Humor in the insanity

2008-08-27T18:40:00.004-05:00

Both of my boys have asked if it will be possible for them to see my brain when/if I have to have the surgery. I had to tell them I don't think the doctors will let them into the surgery. Both were very upset at not being allowed to see my brain. I told them I'd see if I could get a freeze frame of the MRI the next time I go to see the brain man so they could at least see it in a picture if not in person.

Patience-my unripe Fruit

2008-08-27T14:12:00.008-05:00

I am impatient. I like instant results and answers and I like definitive plans of action. I did not get those today with my initial surgical consult, though I did get to see my brain (MRI scan) and tumor and that was kind of cool. I have to wait another week before any plan is official. In my naivete I was expecting it to be like my gall bladder surgery where they tell me it needs to come out and BOOM surgery appointment scheduled and good to go. Just a little different here with a growth about the size of Brazil nut and important veins in the area around it.

So i officially probably have a meningioma (the docs gotta leave room for that 1% just in case), which in case you are wondering is not officially a brain tumor since it has no brain matter as part of the tumor, and I might have surgery to remove it or have radiation treatment or they might just leave it alone. The best part is it may or may not be what is causing my headaches. Now that you have the politician answer here's what I actually know and also my impressions:

There are 3 basic treatment options with my kind of tumor: surgery, radiation, combo of the former 2, and to leave the tumor alone. My impression is the brain man is leaning towards option 3. So what does this mean? It means I have to undergo another procedure called a venogram (to map the veins of the tumor and surrounding brain area), then have as much of the tumor mass as possible removed by surgery, and destroy more by radiation. I apparently have an unusual tumor in that it has tentacles (not his word, it's mine and I don't don't know how else to describe it) that are also growing across the top of my brain--think moss on the side of a tree. Surgery will require a 4-6 day hospital stay with a couple days in ICU. No functions (speech, walking, etc) should be affected by the removal of the tumor and rehab will not be required. There is always a slim chance that it is malignant but they won't know that until after pathology is done on the tumor.

Needless to say I'm pretty tired right now and a little disappointed and frustrated that more didn't get accomplished.

i have a brain tumor...

2008-08-27T05:53:00.000-05:00

...no that's not a joke or just some catchy title to start off my first ever blog post--which I SWORE I would never have. I was diagnosed yesterday with a meninigioma --basically a growth in the meninges of my brain--sorry to all you medical professionals for incorrect spells and such but I'm just learning this stuff :) I meet with a neurosurgeon today to find out if the tumor is irritating the vein on top of my head and thereby causing my headaches (which have been occuring for the past 6-8 months) or if I'm just lucky and have the tumor in addition to headaches. The American Brain Tumor Association (I know, I was just as surprised to learn of their existence) has great info about meningiomas. Feel free to check it out. http://www.abta.org/siteFiles/sitePages/BC633774088193FEFBB0303C852478BD.pdf

So, some of my family is a little freaked out about it and I find myself being the one to offer comfort. My grandmother keeps telling me "you're so strong, you're so strong" but I'm not. I am a weak-fleshed human being. The ONLY way for me to "be strong" is to be weak and let Christ be my strength and work through me. I am not strong but can do ALL things through Him. He is my rock and my salvation.

One of my favorite people asked me yesterday "How's your heart?' I loved being able to tell him that I'm excited. Some of you are probably now having to go back and read that sentence again because surely I couldn't be crazy enough to be excited about a tumor? Hey, i have a tumor, i can be a little crazy. :) I'm so excited to see how God is going to use this to show others just how AWESOME and amazing He is, I'm excited to have the opportunity to grow to trust Him even more with health, with life, with finances; I'm excited to see how He is going to use me to show His overwhelming and abundant love for us.

If there's anyone reading this who isn't a believer, at this point, they are really thinking I'm crazy. This crazy chic has a tumor and continues to believe that God loves her abundantly--my response would be the line to a MercyMe song that goes "Could circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You?" So who am I? I am a holy, and beloved child of God, saved by grace through the loving sacrifice of His son Christ Jesus who faced the punishment of God and died so that I might have an eternal life, and relationship with Him instead of separation and wrath. A brain tumor is nothing compared to what Jesus went through for me; He knew me before i was born, He knit me in my mother's womb, He has all my days counted, He hems me in and there is no where I can go that He is not there. There is nothing else I COULD do but praise Him, and love Him (so overwhelmingly) and thank Him for being who He is and allowing me to serve Him in this way.